'Tis The Season

They say you're the most real version of yourself around your family. If that's the truth, then I'm even more need of Jesus than I already believe I am. I love Christmastime. I embrace the holiday spirit with childlike glee. But I swear, sometimes I think I come back to my parents home and it's like all the growth that has occurred in me over the past five years is out the window and I reverted back to behaviors I like least about myself. I become the teenage version of myself. Ok, maybe not quite, but on some levels yes. I don't give my family nearly anywhere close to the amount of grace and mercy I give everyone else. I let silly things bother me and find myself getting annoyed at them for their humanity. Why don't they just drop the annoying habits and character flaws and be perfect already?
Why is it that I do this? Lord knows I'm so far from perfect myself! So why is being home, while it has it's moments of wonderfulness, so difficult? I think a lot of it lies in my own expectations. I seem to have a very selective memory when it comes to my family. Some of the truth in the term "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is not just in that we miss people, but that we tend to (or at least I tend to) grasp onto the good things and let the conflicts, annoyances, disappointments, etc. be pushed out of my mind. So then I have this fairy tale picture of how great things always are in my mind. I have baskets full of those moments of wonderfulness and when I arrive home to remember that my family only resembles the Brady Bunch in our finest moments, it is suddenly becomes much more difficult. We hurt each other, we disappoint each other, and I often end up wondering where the Christmases of our childhood went. We try and balance the many people and places we're supposed to visit and and the excitement about seeing everyone is strained in the light that we can't possibly please everyone. And I'm learning that as a grown-up, holidays are hard. Still good, and still anticipated, but often a struggle.
All that said, I continue to love this holiday. There is nothing quite like hanging out with all of my brothers and sisters. The bunch grows larger every year and with it the laughter. Even though our humanity can get in the way at times, we really do love each other. Christmas is a celebration of the birth of One who can heal all hurts, One from whom grace and mercy overflows. I praise God that amidst the difficulties that the holiday brings, it more importantly brings Christ. Amidst all my own imperfections it brings my Redeemer. And I praise him that it will continue to be a time to be with my family. I am so thankful for this big, loud, wonderful messy collection of people that accepts and forgives me even when I probably don't deserve it. Lord help us love each other better.

Merry Christmas Everyone! May the Love, Peace, and Joy of the Lord fill you to overflowing this holiday season

Missing Pennsylvania

There are so many things I love about being back in California. My family and friends top this list, but lots of little things fill it. I love that I went to the grocery store today to pick up a couple things and three strangers struck up conversations with me. Friendliness is pretty much to be expected around here. I love the open spaces, the view of the Sierras, the well-planned roads. I love that I can guesstimate how much traffic I will probably hit at any given time and usually be right.

But I miss Philadelphia. And not just the things that make it home like my friends, my church, my studies, my roommates, nor the things that make it beautiful like its history, architecture, diversity, culture, etc. I miss the "realities" of a city in dire need of help. Realities like poverty, crime, discrimination; things that remind me how much I need to be praying and working for the things Jesus was all about. I realize just how very much I want to be a part of positive change in this city in particular.

Thoughts about staying in the area after graduation started a couple months. It actually began with church. I would leave on Sundays so wanting to be a part of liberti's action in the city that I would think, "That's it, I'm staying here!" In the beginning the thoughts faded quickly, and by the time I drove home, my mind had moved on to other things. But then the ideas began to linger and move from fleeting thoughts, to possible plans. The after church ponderings lasted longer and local hospitals began to gain appeal. Was this something I could really consider? When I arrived in Pennsylvania, I had intended to leave as soon as I finish my program. The prayers began. As a girl who's started over numerous times within the last few years, moving has gained appeal. It's exciting. And I love excitement. But staying, for me that's harder. My generation is good at excitement...not nearly as good at commitment. But more and more my ideas about Colorado, Texas, and the Northwest, have been replaced with thoughts about CHOP, Fairmount, and building upon my new found relationships. When I met some lovely ladies on the liberti retreat with ideas similar to my own, I voiced some of my tentative thoughts about staying and excitement about the idea has only been growing since then.

All the while however, I've had this back up plan of elsewhere. I've had the "Philly would be great, but I guess I could always do ---- too." The "I'll interview around to keep my options open." But the truth is, I don't think I want to keep my options open. I am drawn to Philadelphia and it becomes shockingly apparent as I'm back here. I'm finally surrounded by all the things and people I've missed for so long and while I'm cherishing the moments, part of me can't wait to get back. I see friendliness here and I love it, but I find myself thinking, "Wow, there's quite a bit of smiles and friendliness here, Philadelphia definitely needs mine more." So yet again, Kalie's thoughts about her future do not equal God's thoughts...but I'm pretty excited with where He's taking me :)

Small Town Life

Since I left for college almost 6 years ago, I alot of changes have taken place in El Dorado County, and really in Northern California in general. We are a classic picture of urban sprawl and I feel like an old lady with how much I catch myself saying things like, "I remember when none of these houses were here and it was nothing but grazing fields for miles." Houses, shops, and the other things that accompany residential development have filled the once empty countryside and while I know growth is a somewhat necessary evil, I find myself wondering how long the area I grew up in with continue to remain a string of rural towns. We are fast becoming more like Sacramento suburbs, and luxury ones at that. But for now, the small-town-ness still remains, at least on some level. I was reassured of this fact when, as usual, I was unable to make it through my first 24 hours back without running into someone I knew. Usually it happens with the first trip to the store, movies, or out to eat. Once I went to meet a friend for lunch after arriving back in town just that morning and the one other occupied table in the restaurant held a couple we knew from high school. Ah, home sweet home, we said. It drove us crazy when we lived here; anonymity is especially appreciated by high school students. But for a girl who has spent much of her last few years as the newcomer, there is comfort in coming back and knowing familiar faces are still around the places I once frequented. And yet, while it's still a place of comfort and rest, I feel somewhat like a stranger in this community. I can't really blame it on a few new houses or the fancy shopping centers. The truth is, for most here life has continued much as it's always been. It is I that has changed. My world has become a much bigger place than it was when I was growing up. And I'm realizing that it's both a blessing and a curse. I was never one of the ones dying to get out of this small town. I love the community. I love the family centeredness. I love the trees, and the backroads, and the lazy summer days. But I have grown to love the world beyond. I seek adventure, I like to be stretched, and my life has grown beyond this place of my childhood. The more I leave and come back, the more I recognize I'll probably never life in EDC again. But I also find, that I will always come back because even if it's not the place of my future, it will always be one of my most loved locales.

Another day in my charmed life

Yesterday I made my cross-country trek back to California. Ever since I did my CA to PA roadtrip the day long plan trips seems so much more manageable. I'm surprised to say that I actually enjoyed the time I spent traveling yesterday. Weird. But then I think about what it was I did yesterday and it kind of makes more sense.
I...
1. Read an entire novel
2. Watched "Little Miss Sunshine"
3. Caught some old episodes of "The Office"
4. Listened to my favorite music
5. Ate ice cream and Chicago deep dish pizza
6. Had conversations with 5 people I didn't know
7. Did Soduku puzzles

I mean, really that makes a pretty fantastic day! Those are the types of things I felt mostly guilty doing for the last 7 months as I've been knee deep in nursing school. I have definitely had some fun during my time in PA, but usually lurking somewhere in the back of my mind is that thought that I should be studying or writing something or other. However, when spending the entire day in airports and on planes, there is little opportunity to do anything but read, watch movies, eat, listen to music and talk to people. So I let myself relax and enjoy it and it was wonderful.
Still, I have yet to mention what was by far the best part of my day. I recieved an unexpected gift from United Airlines. My second plane from Chicago to Sacramento was overbooked and they needed volunteers to take a later flight. Seeing that my schedule is about as relazed as it comes for the next coupe weeks, I offered to do so, and for hanging out a couple extra hours was rewarded an emergency exit row seat and I free round-trip ticket anywhere in the US... I'm sure this had NOTHING to do with why I was enjoying myself so much yesterday ;) !
When I woke up this morning, the blessings just seemed to continue. Firstly, I got up at 11:30...California time. I actually woke up before that, but in the beauty of vacation was able to snuggle back down in my flannel sheets and mess of blankets for a few more hours. When I finally got up, I came up the stairs where I was greeted with a roaring fire, a hug and my dad asking what I wanted for breakfast, "Waffles, pancakes, french toast?" Crepes! I sat down and my breakfast appeared in front of me, along with a steaming cup of coffee. I ate my delicious crepes, feeling somewhat like a princess and took my coffee with me to a lovely spot by the fire and Christmas tree, where I read and journaled for about an hour and a half. I then showered and my dad took me out to the movies. Pampered! I think if I ever find a guy like him, I'd marry him in about 5 seconds. It's good to be home:)

D-U-N Done!

I'm having to make an effort not to walk around with a ridiculous smile on my face because I am just THAT excited to be done with finals. I think even my insides are probably smiling. Practically a month of freedom...I don't know if I can really even comprehend that. And I leave for California tomorrow. Sweet.

For the Record

I slept for almost 12hrs last night. I was so exhausted that the studying just wasn't working so I went to bed around 8:30. For those of you who know me and my staying up late habits this is pretty amazing. I feel awesome. I just want to document that this actually happened because I hardly believe it myself. That's all.

One of my new faves

So I am unofficially the most unproductive person on the planet. It's just that I simply cannot study anymore! So I'm banishing myself from the house for a bit and hoping that some motivated friends and a pumpkin spice latte will get me in the mood. I thought I would leave you with some procrastination material of your own though.

So Pat Robitaille has recently been added to the list of my favorite singer/songwriters. I found out about him from my friend Dave and immediately loved his stuff. His music is soulful and soothing and reminds me of being on the swings at Avila, or wading into the river in Coloma. I was pretty surprised to find out Pat's just a 20 year old kid from Canada and unfortunately he's only touring up there right now. I figure maybe if we give him some props down here we can spread the name and maybe he'll decide to set up some shows in the US. Check him out :)

Finals? What?

So it has been a pretty fantastic weekend. Likely because I've totally been in denial that finals week is upon me. This afternoon reality began to set in, but at least I managed to squeeze in some festive fun first. It began yesterday with a Christmas Cookie Swap and luncheon I did with some of my favorite ladies. For the past couple of years my friends at home have hosted a cookie swap, and obligations and/or distance always seems to get in the way of my going. So I decided rather than be bummed about missing it again, I would throw one of my own! I usually need to throw at least one holiday part to fulfill my need for Christmas music, eggnog, and and holiday spirit and it seemed the perfect choice (though last year's ugly Christmas sweater party still holds a dear place in my heart). It turned out great! Ended up that the majority of the girls who came were not experienced bakers, but they rose to the challenge and arrived with an abundant array of delectable treats! I was so proud! We embraced our domestic-ness and girliness, and Charis decided after her first cookie-making experience that maybe she should open her own bakery. "I would wear old t-shirts, and have flour in my hair, and people could just come and eat and it would be a place they could just hang out. I would serve love, and justice, and baked things. And we'd be right next door to a florist, so there would be fresh flowers on all the tables, and the florist and I would trade flowers and treats. Wouldn't that be great?" I love it :)

Following a delightful afternoon, I headed over to Villanova for the game vs. Drexel. Can I just tell you how much I love going to college basketball games again? It was admittedly a somewhat painful game to watch, so I won't go into details except to say our defense was a little lacking and the refs were not the best in the world. Still, I have faith they'll step it up! It's kind of cool to get free tickets to games people are on 15 year long waiting lists for :)

Despite the greatness of Saturday, by far the highlight of the weekend was coming into covenant at my church liberti. Let me phrase that in normal people language: I joined my amazing church today! I am so stoked to be a part of this body of imperfect believers striving after the heart of Christ. They are what makes
me want to stay in this city. The fact that it was followed by a hug buffet of course was great too!

I've included pics from the cookie swap for your viewing pleasure!

My brain is full

It seems like it's about time I throw a new post up here, but my brain is so packed with information about organ failure, transplants, AIDS, and neuro pathology that there isn't really any room for introspection about anything! And I'm pretty sure most of you aren't that interested in the necessary nursing interventions to take with a post kidney transplant patient:) I WILL say that despite the fact that I've spent the last couple days trying to cram as much into my head as possible and haven't slept a ton as a result, I can help but be in a fantastic mood because today was my last day EVER of Med/Surg Clinical! While I am super excited at the thought of becoming a nurse, God and tele floors have made it very clear that Med/Surg just isn't me. To take my uniform off knowing I won't be wearing it again for a month and a half only added to my joy. And when I do put in on, it will be to go work with the kiddies! Next semester brings Peds and OB. How exciting is that?! Answer: totally exciting...though probably not quite as exciting as the fact that in less than two weeks I'll be visiting my California loves!

Do you fit the bill?

Ok, so if you know anything about the Emerging Church, and/or Calvinism check these posts out for a laugh. They're about a year old, but new to me and, I thought, worthy of sharing since I am still cracking up (and will admit they are pretty darn true)!

You Might Be Emerging If...

You're Probably Obsessing About Calvinism If...

Thanks for sharing Becka :)

Today I:

• Had an interview in a car
• Ate a pomegranate that turned my mouth purple
• Thought about how much people's feelings toward me affect my feelings toward them
• Lost my glasses and couldn't find them because I didn't have my glasses
• Had an 87 year old patient tell me I was old when I told her I was 23
• Talked to the people in my elevator
• Was asked how tall I was and if I play basketball 8 times
• Ate dinner with a family
• Had a missing package delivered to my house
• Contemplated why we so often fail to love each other well

My Primetime Addiction

I've never been one to plan life around television. I mostly find myself disillusioned with society when I see the stuff that counts as popular entertainment. Who's sleeping with who, cheating on who, buying what, degrading their spouse, disrespecting their parents, etc.... I don't get hooked on shows so intimately I talk about the characters like they are my best friends, or decline offers to hang out with real people for those living in the box. At least I didn't. And then came The Office. It's an addictive combination of painful awkwardness, romance, and hilarity that I just can't help but love it. I DO want to talk about what's going on between Jim and Pam, what unbelievably stupid thing Michael managed to say that had me cringing, the rivalry between Dwight and the new guy, and why it is that Roy is suddenly endearing. I DO try to figure out ways to be home Thursday nights, and find myself downloading episodes and searching youtube for them when I'm not. I think there's no denying it...I have become "hooked on a show."
And what's more, I want you to enjoy it as much as I do. Two of my roommates watch Survivor instead. I don't understand. I mean, The Office has Alliances PLUS Scranton, Dundies, and Bird Funerals. I do get that some of you might not have had the chance yet to fall in love with this American treasure (ok, maybe only half American since we stole it from Britain) which is why I'm offering you the opportunity to experience the awkwardness that has us loyal followers starry eyed. Dinner and seasons 1 and 2. My house. Friday. Level of experience required: none! Faithful viewers welcome. Ok, so most of you reading this are probably not in PA, but if you want to check it out, I'll bring my dvd's home at Christmas and catch you up :)

Overwhelmed by Love

Today I have spent much of the day feeling overwhelmed by love. Thanksgiving is tomorrow and my family is far away. Like most hospital employees, I'm required to work Thanksgiving or Christmas. I volunteered for Turkey Day and thus, from 2:45-11:15 pm tomorrow, will be serving the lovely folks at Bryn Mawr Rehab Hospital. Yet, the number of Thanksgiving invitations I have received has been astounding. Some from people who know I'm not heading back to California, others just making sure if I'm in the area I have a place. Some from friends I know well, others from people I've barely met. Some to be with families here in PA, others to travel out of state. Unbelievable. Then, when I've shared with my inviters the news that I have to work, come the follow-up invitations to join families the night before, or come by afterward for leftovers. I am touched. I praise God for all the blessings in my life, but at this moment I am brimming with thanks for the wonderful people he has placed in it. When I moved out to Philadelphia last May, part of me wondered if I was making the right call. I arrived alone, unsure of why I still felt so called to the area when what I thought was one of my main motivations no longer existed. However, since the moment I unpacked my few belongings into an empty apartment room, I have had few doubts that this is exactly where I belong....maybe not forever, but for now. I came here for reasons far bigger than my own and fit into a plan far grander than my life. Things have not happened in the ways I would have thought, but they have happened in extraordinary ways. I have entered into new families amongst my church, my classmates, and my roommates. And my heart is full. I have been all over the world these past few years, and yet the love of God continues to surround me. To my friends and family in far away places, California, Europe, South America, and to those close by, thank you for the million ways you bless my life! My God bless you fully! Happy Thanksgiving.

Some Funny Pics

So in addition to being a full time super mom to four of the most beautiful kids I've ever seen, my friend Julie also does some pretty excellent photography. Here are the latest photos she sent me of her youngest, Luke. They were so great I had to share!Click on the pics for a better view

The attraction of FREE

Why is it no matter how much money you make, no matter where you come from, FREE is so irresistible? I got back last night from a two day trip to Harrisburg for a student nurse convention. We left at, no, before the crack of dawn Thursday morning and made our to the lovely capital of PA. Through the course of the convention we talked about our future involvement in the medical field, heard motivational speakers, and addressed the formal business of resolutions and elections. But the part of the convention that really got everyone excited was talking to recruiters and collecting free stuff. We came home with bags of chapsticks, pens, hand sanitizers, blankets, alarm clocks, key chains, calculators, water bottles, etc. Now lately I've really been working on simplifying my life. I realize I'm much happier without quite so much STUFF. But this weekend I failed miserably. I accumulated. And while I'm pretty stoked to have a new stock of pens and think the keychain hand sanitizers and chapsticks are pretty cool, I definitely came home stuff I'll probably never use and surely don't need simply because I didn't have to pay for it. Shall I show you my loot? Kind of ridiculous huh? In addition to my collecting, it was nice to talk to recruiters and hospital reps. Admittedly it was a bit overwhelming since a simple smile had them trying to sell me on why I should come work for their hospital. How insane to go from graduating with no clue what job my degree even worked for to having employers selling themselves to me. Still, it's a role reversal I'll gladly take.

The Right to Die

We are blessed in a country that has some really superb medical care. Our ability to save lives is quite astounding. But I wonder lately if we have forgotten that along with a right to live comes a right to die. When does our ability to "save lives" become something more harmful than helpful? Between my clinical rotations in the ICU and my work at a rehab hospital, I've been thinking a lot about dignity in life and death as of late. Today I took care of a patient in the ICU who had her wishes to be allowed to die denied. She had DNR (do not resuscitate) orders on her chart, but when it came time to make the call whether or not to intubate her, her wished were overruled by her family. And it only takes a few minutes in that room to feel your heart break for her. Because of the tubes in her mouth and nose leading to her stomach and lungs it is impossible to talk to her, but one look in her face and you know what she wants. She is totally with it, oriented, and still she has no say in what is happening to her. Tubes, wires, and fluids are entering and exiting her body from all sides, a ventilator is breathing for her and modern medicine looks anything but heroic to me. As I walked up to the side of her bed, she tapped her hand on the rail and I reach my own down to cover hers. She gripped it tightly, as if holding on for dear life, silently screaming for help. Her expression was pained as she shook her head. And I can't help but wonder how things like this happen. The whole point of advanced directives are that people can determine what kind of heroics they do and don't want and can make the decision to die naturally. But fears of lawsuits, and family members who can't let go keep medical providers from truly keeping the Hippocratic oath to "do no harm."
I'm learning that it is often more heroic to let someone go than to try and save them. When life has lost it's quality and there is no longer any goodness and dignity why do we continue to prolong the inevitable? And when does medicine move from using the gifts God has given us to playing God? However did man gain the ability to not just to decide when to take live, but also when to give it? I've always known, or at least for some time now that I wouldn't want to be kept alive when my quality of life has deteriorated to the point where everything that makes me ME has gone away.
Yet as much as these circumstances bother me, I also feel I must recognize that saving or ending lives is not nearly as cut and dry as I once thought. And it brings me to questions like, "How do we quantify life?", "What is the greatest good we can do?", "What would I be willing to put upon my family and what would I undertake if it was one of them?", "Is there a reason to be alive if one can no longer LIVE life?"
I don't have the answers. I am finding that my views of death are changing though. It is always sad, especially for those left behind, but I recognize that it is a natural event, a necessary part of life...and that for many the right choice.

HIV/AIDS in Africa

I want to encourage everyone to come learn more about the AIDS/HIV epidemic in Africa tomorrow. United Nations Secretary General Stephen Lewis will be speaking at a public forum on the Villanova campus and it's bound to be a thought provoking and informative event. The evening is free and open to the public. Let's recognize ourselves as citizens of this world, not just this nation and open our eyes to this tragedy ravaging an entire continent. I think the vastness of the problems in Africa-disease, famine, and war-can be somewhat overwhelming, making us want to keep our distance, but the first steps toward change come with a recognition of a need for such. Hope to see you all there and if you have any questions, or want to come with me let me know :)

10 Ways I Know I'm a Nursing Student

I've been thinking lately about how subcultures can become as much a part of us as we become of them. Sometimes consciously, but more often not, I find myself adapting the ways I speak, think, and act to the subculture I am immersed in. The extent to which this happens varies, but it's always interesting to step back and see the ways I have been changed. My most recent cultural immersion has been into the world of of a Villanova nursing student. Here are a few of the things that have made me aware I have fully embraced this role:

1. I am fully comfortable talking about whatever bodily function you want to throw at me (and likely have already had to clean it up)
2. I can't help but assess the gait of people walking in front of me and mentally note anything outside of normal limits.
   
3. I ask people to tell me about their feelings and will often tell you about my own on a scale of 1 to 10.
4. I think of Villanova as one very old building (St. Mary's---where all of my classes are) and forget that it's actually a large, beautiful campus
5. I speak in nursing diagnoses: " blah blah blah related to dooby doo as evidenced by this, that and the other thing"
6. Every time I go to the bathroom I have a moment of appreciation that I get to do it by myself and no one needs to come in to measure it.
7. I was really excited when my roommate had surgery and asked for my help in assessing her drainage and swelling....on her butt (and by the fact that she unabashedly asked me to do this can you tell she's a nursing student!?!)
8. I think it's fun to give shots
9. I wear ugly white shoes because they're comfortable
10. Every time I stand up too fast and get lightheaded (which usually happens at least once a day) all of my friends yell, "ORTHOSTATIC HYPOTENSION!!

Grace and Strength

And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Lately I'm finding a lot of peace in just how screwed up I am. I spend so much of my life trying to be my own Savior; trying to prove my righteousness to man, carrying the weight of all of my failings on my shoulders. I think I'm in charge of making my life good and if I don't make things happen, no one will. I let myself get sucked into the lie that God's plan for me might not be enough. And in it I underestimate my sin and in doing so give God credit for very little. But lately, I've really began to see anew and maybe even on a whole new level how incredibly huge my sin really is and with that have been able to recognize how much bigger than that even is God's grace. I am preaching the Gospel to myself again and am standing in awe of my King. I am broken. And it makes my heart burst with joy. His strength has come in my weakness and in admitting I'm in pieces, not at all together the love I feel is overflowing. Funny that it's such an epiphany to remember I'm not the center of the universe :)
So what's all this coming from? I just got back from liberti's in-covenant retreat this past weekend. I don't think I've really blogged about liberti, which is somewhat shocking considering the incredible blessing it has been in my life during my time here in Pennsylvania. I originally attended because it was close to where I was picking up the bed I found on craigslist for $50 (probably the most comfortable $50 purchase ever, thank you couple moving to Arizona). It's in the city, so a big part of me wanted to not want to go there. But I don't think I've ever felt so drawn to be part of a community. The heart of the church seems to match the desires my own heart seeks to live out Gods love and the pull to be a part of what they are doing is enough to make me want to stay in Philadelphia. So the retreat this past weekend was for people looking to find out more about the church to to determine if they are going to join....yes, much cooler than the traditional church membership classes. About 30 of us went up to the Poconos where we not only learned about liberti, but about each other, attempting to share ourselves in real ways. My pastor Geoff urged us to share our "spiritual journeys" and what brought us where we are today rather than just sharing what we do and "the lies we like to tell about ourselves." I don't think of myself as a liar very often. Truth be told I'm pretty crappy at lying. But I was made aware of how often I only present parts of my story, my life, the feelings behind my circumstances in a way that makes me look good...or at least better than I really am. I'll give the parts of me that I think are easy to deal with and hold back the rest. I feel like I'm having to retrain myself to offer people the broken me. The one so in need of grace. And at times it strikes fear into my heart. But the sense of liberation from the feeling that somehow I'm going to be found out, the loving grace that is shown, and the realization that my brothers and sisters are just as broken as me, well, it's showing me how very worth it it is. It's late and I have an exam tomorrow, and I'm not even sure if this is making sense anymore so I think that means it's time for sleep. Goodnight.

Swirling leaves and breathlessness

The colors have become so amazing around here that as I was driving to class today the sight literally took my breath away. It's been awhile since I've had that happen. Been so taken in by the beauty surrounding me that I felt breathless. Usually that's just my crappy asthma/allergy combo making me feel that way. But Fall has fallen and it in incredible. It is an area in which Pennsylvania far surpasses California. The air has become crisp and cool, wind swirls the leaves up around my feet and blows my hair back, and I find myself fighting the urge to find a rake and make piles to jump into. The trees around me reach beyond brown and golds to striking crimsons, scarlets, mustards and ambers. And yet, while the world is so alive with color, there seems to be a tinge of sadness in the air because everyone knows that those beautiful leaves will soon be on the ground and winter will be here. But for now it is just gorgeous and fresh and I am loving it. And I'm sure when there are snowy blankets covering eveything I'll be loving that too. To think this is all merely a glimpse of God's beauty!

Random

I don't really feel like writing anything, I just want to list some thoughts.
I like...
Sitting on high places and swinging my feet.
Drinking through straws
Laughs that are so great you can't help but smile
Anything in a bread bowl
Friends that get me
Being broken and feeling like God is right there beside me
Being warmed by the sun
Realizing I could really be happy almost anywhere
Songs that bring overwhelming emotion

I wonder...
at how the world can be so huge and so small at the same time
how much coincidences are just that
when it becomes overanalyzing
at how much God loves us
at how quickly I forget to love others
why we would rather stay in unhealthy patterns that we know than try better ones that are unknown
if I really want life to make sense

God is holding me close these days. Life feels like a big question mark, but his peace surrounds me. In him I find rest. And it's good.

Happy Halloween!!

So the past couple years I admittedly haven't been super stoked about dressing up for Halloween. But try as I might to NOT do it, I just can't! It feels so incredibly unspirited of me and so against my very nature not to put on a costume when I'm told they are optional. I always end up enjoying the dressing up, but it's finding motivation to get creative that is the struggle. If I'm not inspired, it just seems blah. So I ran through the last minute options in my head, trying to figure out what I could do without buying anything. My brother suggested being cereal or snack crackers, but even that required a grocery store trip. While I was pulling my clothes out of the dryer this morning, I thought, "Maybe I'll be laundry?" I ended up going with "Static Cling." It was great. I got to wear my sweats (plus the socks, underwear, and dryer sheets I pinned all over them), my hair was SUPPOSED to be messy, it was free, and nobody else showed up as the same thing. Stay tuned for tomorrow night when I'll be dressed up as "Procrastinator Girl" frantically studying pharmacology. Oh well :)

Congratulations Leigh and Matt!

This quick blog is dedicated to the delightful Leigh Lingnofski. My lovely roommate Leigh got engaged this past weekend! In reality we haven't been roommates for over a year and a half now, but once you've earned the title, you never lose it. Congratulations Leigh and Matt! May God bless you bunches!!!

Mechanics

My car broke down this past Saturday. It was one of those mornings that seemed bad to begin with then just got worse. I was supposed to be at work at 6:30, but thanks to my alarm clock setting incompetence and the fact that I was going on a total of about 10 hours of sleep for the previous three days I didn't wake up until 7:15. It always a horrible thing to be an hour and a half late for work, but infinitely worse when I'm still in the training orientation period. I fought back the tears and tried to calm my irrational fears of being fired on the spot after being deemed a totally useless employee. I was out of the house in five minutes flat, pulling back my hair in the car and trying to appear less like I had just jumped out of bed. I called staffing and explained my situation. Thankfully they were very understanding and even apologetic for not calling since apparently my name hadn't been listed on the schedule. So I continued on, eyeing the clock as I drove. As I turned onto the highway, I pushed my foot down to accelerate....and pushed down some more....all the way to the floor. I mixed out at 40, then horrified watched my speed slowly begin to drop. "Please God, not now," I screamed internally. I pulled into the slow lane and began praying I would make it to the exit in time. By God' s grace I did, cruising down the highway at a lovely 20 mph, praising the Lord everyone else appeared to be sleeping in and the usually busy road was mostly empty. But to realize I was not only late, but was going to have to call out on my third day on the floor was somewhat traumatizing and the tears I had been holding back came. (remember to account for the no sleep factor here). I gathered myself back up, figured out towing and ended up having a pretty restful afternoon. Life happens I guess.
So anyway, all of this was to bring me up to my current point. My intense dislike for taking my car to the shop. Doctor's office? Sure. Dentist? No problem. Mechanic? NOOOOOO!!!! There is no where else in life where I feel so likely to be screwed. I am an assertive, confident, and educated individual, but put me in the realm of auto mechanics and I feel like I might as well walk in and say "Hi, feel free to try and rip me off, Im sure you can." And this ignorance frustrates me more than I can describe. I'm sure my pride is a part of it, but I like being an educated consumer and in this world I just don't have the knowledge, or diagnostic equipment to do that. I try to use the situation to recognize what it must be like for individuals when are uneducated to deal with many of the situations I approach with confidence and ease....but mostly I just hate it. The mechanic wants to charge me a 1000 bucks to fix my car. I wish my dads were here. The little to work or the big one to bargain. However, as that's not about to happen, I instead recruited a male friend to come with me to counteract my femaleness, and hopefully bringing a little more respect and some price reduction. When we went to the shop I fought my urge to be sweet and apologetic, really not even smiling (of you know me the not smiling is BIG) trying to act tough and confident. I think I did I decent job standing my ground, but I'm not sure how much good it did... at least the guy said he would talk to my original mechanic and see if they could work anything out (oh yeah, I actually found one I don't feel like is trying to screw me and they sent me elsewhere... awww man!). So now I'm waiting. And for the future, anyone living in the greater Philadelphia area want to be my handy friend?

Because pictures are FUN!

So I thought I'd give you a few Fall Break pics since I know some of your aren't that into reading...it makes it more like a picture book. It's me and the padres in PA and DC...pretty self-explanatory! Ok, I better do some real work. Ciao.

Possibilities

I often find myself in wonder when I look at individuals that have spent their entire lives within a 20 mile radius of where they were born. I know back in the day there weren't always a lot of options as far as travel was concerned and spending one's life in the same place was pretty much the only way to survive. And for many today, families, jobs, and a million other things make up and going hard. But to the young and unattached, in a world where plane tickets are cheap, access is easy, and possibilities seem endless I wonder how so many never go explore it. Even more shocking to my wanderlust soul is that they don't have the DESIRE to! I know my view is biased and everyone was not made with the same desires as me. I sometimes wonder why I'm so obsessed with the next adventure and I think it is partly due to the fact that I haven't found my place yet. I've been able to visit a number of great locations, but I want the one where I sink in and feel like it is where I'm meant to be. I think I adapt pretty well to my new locales, but I'm always looking forward...Where to next? And I wonder if I'll always be this way. Is it because we were made for a world beyond this one that is doesn't feel quite like my home? Or because I haven't found that person that makes it home? Or maybe just because I thrive on adventure and challenge, the new and exciting. Likely some combination of all three.
What I do know is that it makes me both love and be totally overwhelmed at the thought of becoming a nurse. One of my favorite ways to procrastinate as of late is to look at pediatric grad nurse programs across the country. And I'm realizing even more now than when I first began that I can work anywhere. That is mind boggling. How do I even begin? It it thrilling. I can begin anywhere. Anybody have any suggestions? (Mom, I know, UCDavis)

On a more concrete note, I'm back in school after Fall Break and life is good. I made it through classroom training and onto the floor at my new job and am fascinated by the traumatic brain injury patients I'm working with. Rehab is proving to be an entirely different world from acute care, with lots of independence promoting activities and the opportunity to see patient's condition improve rather than digress. My psych nursing skills are coming in handy and my biggest challenge so far seems to be in remaining serious when patients respond in very silly ways. At the same time, it pulls on my heart strings to see patients that have had their lives changed in an instant. Twenty-somethings that will never again have their eyes shine and smiles flash like they do in the photographs that adorn their walls. This past Friday, I was feeling the weight of loss, anger at the injustice after reading the chart of a young college student who had gone into cardiac arrest while playing a pick up game with friends. Seeing such young potential snatched, I found myself asking, "How does it happen God?" I didn't get my answer, but I did get my reminder that God was there. Fifteen or so students, friends of the patient came through the door. They had taken their fall break to fly across the country to visit their friend. They gathered around the bed with love, laughter, and compassion. Then they took turns visiting personally while the rest went into the therapy room, one with a guitar in hand, to sing songs of praise to our God. And He was near. In another room I found a family praying. And He was near. And we bathed a patient that night with Jesus tatooed on his arm. And He was near. And the sadness subsided, when I remembered yet again that there is a world beyond this one in which we live.

Orientations

Today was my first day of my new job. Well, really let's rephrase that. Today was my first day of orientation for my new job. Day-long classroom-based hospital orientations are pretty much torture for girls who can't sit still. Eight hours of lecture classes are rough, but at least there is some valuable information in there, or at the minimum stuff you know you'll be tested on later. But hospital orientations, like many job orientations I'm sure, only give you tests with the kinds of questions you could answer without any real knowledge. You know, questions like:
If you are getting ready to cross the street at a crosswalk and see a car speeding toward you, you should:
a) continue crossing since you are a pedestrian and have the right of way
b) stop and wait for the car to pass
c) send the largest person out first so the car will stop to avoid body damage
d) both a&c

And if by some chance the question is actually going to require some thought, don't worry because it most assuredly will be discussed and worked through as a group. So what do I do? I squirm and change positions about a million times, I try and find things to take notes about just so there's something to do, I doodle, and I daydream my way on out.... but today I was in orientation with just myself and ONE other person! Daydreaming and doodling are out the window. Sigh.
I'm trying to keep with my usual positive outlook and remember that there are only 2 more days of this (ok, so that's a lie, there are 4, but only 2 more this week) then I get to do a great job. The place I'm working at is a rehab hospital and the facilities are amazing. On top of all the typical hospital stuff they have huge training gyms, a greenhouse where patients can go plant flowers and do projects, aquatics, hair dressers, and all kinds of environments and devices to help people regain and/or relearn skills. The staff are friendly, the environment soothing and while I might not learn tons in orientation, I certainly will on the floor. Yeah, it's gonna be good :)

Friendliness :)

I wonder a lot lately about the loneliness of our world. In some ways we have the ability to be closer to the people in our lives than ever before, but I think in a lot of ways we are more disconnected than ever from the people around us. I notice this a lot on campus. Students are no longer capable of walking around by themselves, even just from class to class without pulling out their cell phones. It's like we're almost afraid to just walk by ourselves. And I think it's really becoming detrimental because no one strikes up conversations with strangers anymore. With college kids I think this is huge because rather than get connected to the people physically in their lives, they continue to invest all their time in their old friends and family, making their current surroundings a pretty lonely place. I know not everyone is super outgoing like me, but I think a lot of the time we avert our eyes and pretend we don't see people because we're afraid how people will react if we reach into their world with a greeting. That or we're just too into our own lives to take the step to make a connection with someone else. Admittedly, the East Coast can be a much tougher place to be friendly than the West was. It's just not "normal" to smile and wave at people you pass by. But tonight I decided I wanted to reach beyond it and see what would happen if I really made the effort to greet the people I passed. Now me saying hi to passersby really isn't something new, but this time I made it a challenge. I was going for a walk with my parents (who are out visiting for my fall break) at Valley Forge and I decided to keep track of how many people I could get to say hi to me. In the 5 mile loop we made around the park I managed to get 33 people to say hi and a few more to smile. That's about 95% of the people that responded verbally and of those who couldn't muster up the words I think all but 1 smiled. How great is that?! And after the first couple, my greetings got more confident, my smile easier, and it was just....nice. People want to be reached, to be recognized. And we hold back because we think someone might think we're crazy, that they might be caught up in their own thoughts, that they might take it the wrong way. And really, someone probably will think that. But really most of them will be glad. Through simple gestures we can touch people in a way they may be dying for. When we were finishing our walk it was getting dark and almost no one was left on the trail. But we were running up alongside a road and a girl stuck her head out the window and yelled hello to ME (or more accurately to US) into the wind. And it was my turn to smile. :)

Ethiopian Food

Tonight was my first experience in Ethiopian cuisine. I've been wanting ot go for a long time for two reasons:
1) You get to eat with your hands
2) It's served on communal platters

We've been doing a series on community at church lately, so when we were discussing options for a social night, it seemsed like the perfect call. And it turned out to be a blast! Our home groups are done by location and an Ethiopian restuarant was half a block down from where we usually meet. I'm a little bit sad because tonight was my last night meeting in West Philly since I've moved and it is no longer the closest to me. That group has been such a huge blessing in my life since moving out here, and we have grown especially close in the last month or so. A few other girls are moving as well, so it was a night of farewell's for more than just me. I say this like we're moving across country, but we'll still be seeing each other every Sunday and hopefully hanging out on top of that :)! Tonight we laughed and chatted, shared the good and bad going on in our lives and ate lamb, chicken, beef, and veggies with our spongy bread and our hands. Good times.

Pain and Escape

Today I am in a quiet mood. Not something that happens very often. We've been talking about substance abuse in all my classes today and it's put my in a thinking mode. We watched a movie in psych called "When a Man Loves a Woman." Have you seen it? It's such a real, heart-wrenching story about alcoholism and what it does to families...but also a story about screwed up people who really love each other. I find my heart aching for all those people who need to dull their minds and hearts to escape from reality. I wonder about the fairness of life that mine has been so good. So much potential for dysfunction, and yet I was protected from most of it. Of course there have been heartaches and times I wished I was elsewhere, but to be afraid to live life fully aware, I can't really imagine. I want to pull those people close and tell them that they are loved, that there is peace, that life doesn't have to be so hard all the time. But I know that is naive. You can't make people change anymore than you can change the weather. I'm in my psych rotation for clinical right now and sometimes when I find myself listening to patients stories I wonder if I would have ended up in the same places they did. I'd love to say no, I'm stronger than that, but given the same life they have lived, who knows. Now I'm not excusing the behavior, far from it, but I guess it just seems more understandable that it occurs. I think about how God's heart must be breaking for his lost children. I guess what comes along with the gift of love and compassion means that you have to deal with the heartache that others endure. I find myself on the verge of tears just thinking about all the suffering in the world (yes, I'm the little girl who cried when I saw the homeless guys with signs). And yet I know I was made this way for a reason. Life is hard, but God is here and we are his hands and feet. I pray will all my heart I will never become hardened to it all.

My blog vacation

So I started this blog to let people know what I was doing in Peru and just sort of continued it as I left South America and headed across the US for school. While sharing the news of my life was the initial intent, it soon became kind of a therapeutic thing for me, to get my thoughts, deep and not so deep down on paper. Then the second half of my summer came on strong and my neighbor, who's internet connection that I conveniently "borrowed," moved away and I inadvertently took a little blog vacation. You know I sometimes wonder who would want to read the random thoughts and occurrences that are my life, but during the month or so that I've not been writing, I keep having people asking me when I'm going to post already. So here I am! Back with my little life for your pleasure. I could try and recap all the you've missed, but I think I'll just pic up where we are now. I moved this weekend into a new place with my friends Melanie, Meg, and Donna. And I'm LOVING it. I get to cook for people, and hug them whenever I want. Which basically means my Kallie needs are met :) I'm closer to school, to friends, and I feel like my whole self is just relaxed and happier. Then again, that might also have to do with the fact that the weather has gotten gorgeous. Fall is creeping in and I love it. We've had an amazing combination of rainy days that make me want to snuggle up with blankets books and movies and beautiful sunny, weather that makes me want to run outside. I can hardly wait for the colors to turn here. There will be some major picture taking for sure. Ok, well this is random and not super exciting, so I'm going to say goodbye for now, but hello to all, I'm back. And if you're one of those who's been wondering where I've been, post some comments already and I'll keep in touch!

Pics as promised!

So here is the visual record of some of the adventures from when my sister was visiting.

It's been awhile!

So life has run away with me and I haven't been on the blog scene for almost two weeks now. Huh, well I'm back in school, back among those getting a full night's sleep, and there is even a glimmer of hope that I might be able to do some things outside of school this semester. Summer classes ended well and I thoroughly enjoyed my week and a day off before getting back on campus today. Turns out there are more than just 38 people that go to Villanova. It seemed like we had the whole place to ourselves over the summer, so it was kinda crazy to see a campus alive with activity. The undergrad$ were running around with their Gucci, Burberry, and Coach handbags and I'm realizing how Villanova gets away with charging so much. It was kind of fun to watch all the freshman seeking out their classes, remembering the exciting feeling of being on my own for the first time and also realizing I'm glad I'm where I'm at in life. After sitting through 8hr lecture days all summer, our 2 1/2 hr clinical overview seemed gloriously short. I guess it'a all a matter of perspective since my 90 minute classes used to seem painfully long.
So my sister cam out to visit me on my break and we had a great combo of relaxing and outing filled days. I'll post some pics, of our adventures to spice this place up a little bit. We had a great time hanging out and playing tourists.
So I've decided I'm going on a bit of a spending diet. Not that I've been spending tons since I got out here but I think I'm going to simplify even more and avoid extra treats until I find some employment. It's actually kind of fun. Is it weird that I sort of like being poor? Of course there is the occasional anxiety, especially with all the big checks for school, insurance, and 100+ degree air conditioning that I've been writing lately, but there is a lot of pleasure in living simply. Yeah, it probably a good thing, since I also like working with poor people and as a result don't expect to make a ton. There's a special about Operation Smile on tonight, and it just makes me feel so inspired. The organization sends medical staff all over the world to operate on children with facial deformities. So Cool! I'm not quite sure where exactly I'll end up nursing, but I just dig that I'm going into a career where I can spend my whole life helping people.

Movie moments...or maybe not :)

So I'm wondering if I'll ever get used to this Pennsylvania weather. It seems like we're in a constant state of influx with humidty coming and going and the heat raising and receding. This morning was one of the best rides to work I've had thus far. The air was cool and clean, the sky blue. A great day to be riding my bike. But in typical PA fashion the weather changed and by 2:30 when it was time to leave the skies had turned gray and it had begun to rain. It was still warm out and not coming down very hard, so I decided to bike home anyway, turning down the ride offers made by friends. I got on my bike and pedaled out and found myself really enjoying the cool rain on my face, enough to make the humidity bearable. I was getting a little wet, but seeing that I was just going home, it didn't matter. I was having a Singing in the Rain moment. The world was good, I was carefree. And then the skies unleashed and I was in the middle of flash flood-style rain. It was coming down so hard I was instantly drenched, with water dripping in my eyes so fast I could barely see. I found myself laughing out loud at how incredibly unromantic and un-fairy-tale-like my ride had suddenly become. People in their cars looked at me like I was crazy, my shoes were beginning to squish and I was praying the papers in my bag and the MP3 player in my pocket would survive until I got home. Well, the electronics survived, but the papers looked like they'd been through the wash. Oh well, thank goodness I didn't have to write up a care plan this week! I stripped off my clothes in my entryway, confining the puddle action to one area of my house and took them staight to the washer. So I made it. And I'm pretty sure I'm gonna drive tomorrow :-)

A break from the heat

Last night I went out for a drink with some girlfriends and as we left to head home, the night air actually felt good. It was such a refreshing feeling to actually enjoy being outside after the incredibly oppressive heat wave that's been hitting this area. With my roommate, the lover of AC gone for a few days I took the liberty to shut off the air and throw open all the windows. And I slept like a baby with my fan blowing in the cool night air. Ahh, respite! I then had the pleasure of sleeping in til I woke at 9 (AWESOME for a girl who has had 6:45 clinicals). When I realized it was still nice out in the morning, I threw on some workout clothes and went for a jog, OUTSIDE! I don't really think I can emphasize just how great it was to actually hang out outside without wanting to die. I think my favorite thing about great weather, even greater than having a lower energy bill or an excuse to put off studying, is that it just seems to make everyone friendlier. This morning I got hellos, smiles, waves, and even a little casual conversation from the others enjoying the beautiful morning. Maybe that's why Californians are so friendly; an abundance of good weather.
It's afternoon now and it has heated up a bit outside, but the humidity has resided for now at least, so I'm still a happy camper. Maybe the good feeling will remain through my study session...let's hope!

Busyness and Peace

My friend Becka came to visit me this past weekend. It is her first trip back to the US after living in Chile for the past year. And I think it was God's way of forcing me into taking a full day off from any sort of school work. If I thought school was my life when I first got here, it has become even more so! But I think I'm over the toughest part and should be heading somewhat downhill from now on...trying to stay the optimist:) Because I hate to talk about school as if it were some sort of torture or something. I really love what I'm studying, it's just the sheer quantity of it with no time for rest that has made me, like everyone else in my class, feel so burned out. But this Saturday was a wonderful break! Becka got into town on Friday night and after waiting at two different bus stations on the same street for an hour and a half, we found each other :) It was amazing to realize it had been my first trip into center city Philadelphia since I arrived in May! However did that happen? I got to church in Philly, but that's near the Art Museum, right on the outskirts of the city ( as evidenced by the fact that I don't have to pay for parking). We spent the day doing touristy things, walking around, eating cheesesteaks, taking a carriage ride throught the old city, basically being tourists and catching up after a year apart (except this time in both Spanish and English!). Playing tourist reminded me that this city really is amazing and I'm so glad it's where I ended up.
Everyday I discover more and more things that reassure me it's where I belong for the time being. I kind of wondered before I arrived what it would be like and if I was making the right decision going to the other side of the country, and the same city where my ex lives just for nursing school. While he wasn't the only reason I was looking into Philly, it was a hugely influential factor at the beginning...but I think it was in the plan for me to get out here and the means God uses to accomplish his will rarely make sense to me. I actually talked to Mike for the first time since I've been out here just a few days ago. And admittedly, I was taken aback that I could enjoy talking to him without being overwhelmed by any feelings, good or bad. I think we might actually be friends. Funny that it happened just a bit of time after I became absolutely certain that wasn't a possibility for us.
In so many areas of my life, I think I'm tired of asking why, what if, and dwelling in the past or thinking tons about the future. I feel like lately, I'm too tired to do anything but trust God. Things have worked out for His glory and my good thus far, so I'm just trying to dwell in his promises and laugh liberally at the weirdness that is often my life. We read this psalm last night and home group and it brought peace to my soul. I don't need all the why's, I just need
Him.

Psalm 131
My heart is not proud, O Lord,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
O Israel, put your hope in the Lord
both now and forevermore.

Awe, rest, peace, and trust...Amen to that.

School stress and exciting life-changing and somewhat exhausting thoughts

School is hard right now. I haven't slept much lately and it's pretty much all I do. The countdown to the end of summer session and the end of nursing school boot camp has begun. I've been in a bit of a funk lately, surely related to my constantly stressed out state and lack of sleep and I am fighting to regain the positive attitude that is my usual state. Today is much better than yesterday and yesterday that the day before so I thing we're on a good path as far as that's concerned.
But really, even though school is my life right now and sucking away all of my energy, my mind seems to have something of its own going on and my thoughts just never seem to stop. I can't even seem to turn it off when I lay down at night, which isn't something common for me. I am usually out at horizantal. It's like I'm on the edge of something great, some big realization about my life and my purpose but I'm not quite there yet. I'm fighting with all of these ethical debates lately in my head and trying not to get disgusted with America and the way we spend our time and our money. I feel like the needs of the downtrodden, here and around the world are overwhelming me and all I see is Americans throwing there money away on status symbols, toys, and other things of the material nature that they just don't need. I grew up the 'princess' in my family, but over the course of the last few months I've realized luxury is rarely worth the cost. I can't pinpoint exactly where it all began because it seems like all of the many things I've seen, experienced, read in the last few months are guiding me to a totally different kind of existence. I like being poor. I like being with other poor people. I have a friend who lives in a town outside of Philly that's considered pretty ghetto. Essentially, it's poorer, more dangerous, more diverse. But I go there and I feel like it's so much more real than the plastic smile feeling of new track housing developments. Poeple are suffering in both areas, from very different problems, but I love the genuity that having to rely on other people brings and I guess I feel like suburbia has isolated so many of us from our neighbors. I want community. And I'll take the good with the bad, the danger with the chance to really become involved in lives and make ugly places beautiful, the poverty with the richness that comes from knowing I'm really living like Jesus. I used to think that really becoming a good Christian, really figuring out how to live took constant study, but I don't really think that anymore. Of course I still love to read the great theologians because it's challenging, historical, motivating and a myriad of other things, but it's not the way I'm going to become a good Christian. That's back to being like Jesus. And his recipe is simple. Love God, love people, live like Me. Wicked hard to actually do, but no amount of reading books is going to be what makes me more like Him. I'm the one living my life. Yes, I need the Bible to hear God's words for me and know him more, and to let him work in me and through me, but living a life of love doesn't require that I know everything. I learned what love was the day I was born, more when I met God and even more each time I experience it. I'd say that's enough of a knowledge base to begin devoting my life to it.

Sterotypical moments

Do you ever feel like you fit a sterotype to the T? I'm sitting cross-legged on my couch, laptop in front of me with leftover chinese food one side of me and a beer on the other working on my care plan. I feel like a snapshot of a 20-something college student. I think student is one of my favorite roles. When I was in between schools last year, I used to catch myself checking the student box, or talking about school, then I'd be a little bummed when I realized I really wasn't a part of that culture anymore. It's good to be back. I'm not quite sure why I love it so much, since it usually means I sleep a lot less, constantly have papers and projects looming in the back of my mind, and have to fight to have any kind of life outside of school (let's face it, this time around there's not much of one). But I do. I like learning, I love discovering the connection between the stuff we go over in the classroom and the real world. I like the combination of stressful and laidback times. It's a good place. And of course come next summer I'll be dying to be done with it. Go figure.

Waiting on Love

I've never been one think of singleness as a curse. I don't think of it as a situation to be rectified, or as something to be pitied. There are a million and a half things I have the freedom to do because I have no strings attached. But tonight I'm wishing I had some strings. Tonight I find myself longing to be in love again and to have that deep level of intimacy with someone. To be there for someone and know that he'll be there for me. I'm the bold, independent one, always off seeking some new adventure, but more and more lately I find myself wishing I was sharing life and all it's adventures with someone. So I'm only 23 and it will probably happen all in good time, but tonight is just one of those nights. And I'm praying for you whoever you are....where ever you are...

And the good days that inevitably follow

As often is the case with the Bad Day, the one that followed was great :) Today was my first real day of clinical and I am reassured that I am in fact going into the right field. I woke up about every hour or two last night, totally paranoid I was going to oversleep, then arrived this morning with my stomach doing flip-flops and my mind running away, trying to review everything we've packed into the last 7 weeks. My instructor went in with me to do my initial assessment and from there on I realized it wasn't anything I hadn't done before and happily relaxed. I wasn't expected to know everything. There was a nurse and instructor to help me. And my lovely patient had mess of stuff wrong with her, but was a sweet and patient as could be! After doing all our assessments and treatments on healthy people, it was admittedly kind of fun to do them for someone who actually needed them. And I got to talk to her about her life, her family, how she felt and whether or not I funbled a bit or took a little longer wasn't such a big deal. So life is back to good. Kallie is back to happy. And the best part is I get to go back and do it again tomorrow :) Ok, time to look up a looong list o' meds.

Tough Days

So I had an emotional breakdown today; the first one since I got to Pennsylvania almost two months ago. It's been kind of a rough couple days. School suddenly got a lot harder, I realized how much I miss my friends and family, and I had to tell my roommate I'm not renewing my lease. Nothing too horrible, or overwhelming in itself, but when put together and mixed with a serious lack of sleep, it became so.
Yesterday was our first exam of our new 6 week long Med/Surg Nursing Class. We only started class last Wednesday and spent Thursday in the lab and Friday at clinical, so really we'd only had one day of in class lecture. Now I'd thus far been able to score A's with minimal effort so it was quite a shock to be faced with a REALLY hard test. And I bit it. 75%. Totally my fault because I wasn't prepared, and quite possibly it was a good thing since the exam only makes up 10% of my grade, but it gave me the motivation I needed to really get back to being a good student. So I was bummed about that, but took it in stride and remained as optimistic as possible. Then I came home from class and studied my butt off until my roommate got home. We then went for a walk. Not one I was very excited to go on. I decided I'm moving out on Oct 1 in order to be closer to campus. I'm only about 20 minutes away hypothetically, but with traffic it never ends up being less than 1/2 an hour and is usually longer. So when I got the offer from a friend to take the spot of her roommate who's moving out, I jumped. I'm stoked about it (I'll have a dishwasher, pool, and gym and be living with some really cool girls!), but was really bummed to have to tell my roommate. Anyone looking for a place, she's great! She took it well and was understanding, but ugh, I hate doing that kinda stuff.
Today we had a quiz on Cardiovascular stuff. I stayed up late memorizing my signs and symptoms, meds, parameters, contraindications, etc... and felt MUCH more prepared than for yesterday's exam. It turned out to be really tough, and while I did decent, I was putting so much pressure on myself to ace it that I kind of cracked when I realized my stupid mistakes. And the tears began to threaten. So yeah, it was a kind of rough day. The honeymoon stage of moving out here is over, and while I still like it and am so glad this is what I'm doing, life is a little bit tougher. In so many ways I really am like an exchange student here. The subtle differences are becoming more clear and my trip home reminded me just what I left behind. But God is here and after some good sleep I'm sure things will be right with the world again. In the grand scheme, these little things are insignificant. Tomorrow is clinical and we get a chance to try out some of these things we're learning! I love the bike ride to and from the hospital is already a part that I totally look forward to. I beautiful way to start the day! For now, it's study then sleepy time.

I love wikihow

So I am a diehard gmail convert and set up my personalized google homepage as a result. My favorite part of it is the wikihow section. They give me all sorts of wonderful information like how to make invisible ink, how to survive in prison, how to pee in the woods and today how to expand ivory soap. Here is a link so you can enjoy it as well. Yay
http://www.wikihow.com/Expand-Ivory-Soap

Freshening Up

I thought it was time for a little redecorating here on the Kallie blog. It's summer, I'm in pretty Pennsylvania and I have very little desire to study (ah, the truth comes out). It's actual a gorgeous day here for the first time in awhile not humid! Yay!! Tomorrow we start clinicals, which I'm slightly nervous and mostly excited about. It kinda blows my mind that I started this thing a month and a half ago and I've already progressed from freshman, to sophmore, to junior status. The time has flown and I'm realizing this program is going to be over before I know it.

A content heart and wild spirit

So today was my first day back at class after a 10 day break. I ended up deciding at the last minute to go home to CA for a few days when I found a ticket to Reno for just over 200 bucks. Rather than try and fit in dinners and visits with everyone (which is somewhat customary for me, but usually leaves me needing a vacation when I come back home), I spent most of the time relaxing and hanging out with my family. One of my old pastors used to say, "every family has weirdness," and my family is no exception, but they are beautiful and wonderful and I love them. It's always strange for me when I go home though because I think of my brothers and sisters I'm the one who's both closest to it and farthest from it. I talk to my parents more than my brothers and sister and have been back to visit more than any of the others. I love El Dorado County. A lot of the friends I grew up with couldn't wait to get out ne'er to return, but I think it's a great place. Now I definitely wasn't the only one who thought EDC was nice, there was totally a group that wanted to live there for the rest of their lives. I guess what gets me is the fact that I feel such a strong connection to that place and at the same time realize I'll probably never return except to visit my parents, and possibly Wally if he decides to move there so he can get free childcare ("why would I pay for day-care Kallie when I could have Mom watch them for free?") . It would be so easy to move back there, go work at Marshall, and raise a family in the area, but I know that will never happen and it gets me thinking about my life. I've never thought of myself as an adrenaline junkie or a masochist, but I think I like my life slightly difficult. And at times this drives me crazy. I look at the simple country life and it looks so easy, relaxing, calm, predictable....and I know I could probably only be happy with it if I was planning some big adventure elsewhere. So I begin to question my level of contentment with my life. The fact is, I really am I content, happy person. I'm not one who constantly seeks something else because I feel like what I have is not enough. I don't want stuff or money, I don't want power, I don't care about prestige. I'm not looking to climb any ladder or prove anything. But I need something to DO, to SEE, to EXPERIENCE something more. What does that mean? In my mind I think that the mixture of contentment and desire for something more is evidence of the fact that God can fill me, but this world is not my home. It also means that I'm bound to make my life a lot harder than it has to be and will constantly be putting myself in situations where I'm totally uncomfortable. Ah, the things I have to look forward to!

The most difficult easy answer

The air is so thick here I feel like I could chew it. It's a new thing for my these hot, humid off-and-on thunderstormy days. I look outside and with the rain coming down and thunder splitting the sky it seems as if I should be curled up under a blanket, but the temperature suggests otherwise. Thankfully I live in a house with A/C and a great fan, so I'm staying quite comfortable despite Mother Nature's efforts. And if I don't leave the house, I can convince myself that it really is one of those cozy rainy days to stay inside. Today was the first day off I've had where I stayed in rather than sight-seeing or doing something super fun with friends in a month! And a beautiful day off it was. We finished another class yesterday and I am now officially a junior. And I thought my first round as a freshman and sophomore flew! But anyway, today was great because there wasn't even the concern of class looming over my head. Here are the thoughts that filled it instead...

Spending the day by myself is something that I love, and need to do every once in awhile. This comes a a surprise for some, because I thrive being around people. But I find that when I spend time alone I can ask God the questions instead of people and actually give him time to answer. And lately, I feel like I'm looking for lots of answers. More now than ever before in my life I'm feeling conflict in the desires I have for my life. Before, my goals and dreams for my life, the things I felt called toward all seemed to fit together, but lately I find myself imagining two lives for myself and I'm not quite sure which route I'm meant to take. I'd like to say that in time God will make it clear, but I sometimes wonder if he already has and it's really just my own selfish desires that keep me from fully letting go of "the American dream" and adopting a life that seems so much more in line with really living out what I believe. Do you ever start to feel like you know too much to continue living the way you always have? Like, how can I live the extravagant American lifestyle (believe me, all of us who consider ourselves middle class or above here in the US live extravagantly) when I know what that kids are dying everyday as a result of poverty, war, lack of adequate medical access, etc. I mean, 30,000 kids die everyday from starvation, I'm not naive enough to think that I could singlehandedly bring about the end to any of this, but I do wonder how I could possibly choose a life of comfort when I know my profession will give me the opportunity to love these kids in an amazing way. I've been reading this book lately called, "Irresistable Revolution," by Shane Claiborne, which has caused me to really re-evaluate a lot of things about my life and my future plans. It's not a hard book to read in a literal sense. Shane is totally conversational and straightforward, but it challenges me so much and really, in many ways makes me uncomfortable, and I find that I can only handle so much of it before I have to put it down. Now Shane calls himself and "everyday radical" and I find part of me really wanting to write him off as just that because it would just make the whole thing so much easier. While it's true that there are some things about what he says that I don't neccessarily agree with, there is a lot that he seems to hit right on in a way that rocks my world to the very foundation. And the phrase that continues to rebound through my head is, "how now shall we live?" Or more accurately, how now shall I live? Why is it so many people see Christians as judgemental and hypocritical instead of those who live to serve and show love? More and more I'm realizing, while the question is sad, the answer is obvious. Actions speak louder than words. We say we want to live like Jesus, but very few of us actually do. And I don't mean very few of actually do live like Jesus, I mean very few of us truly even want to. Jesus lived among the poor. He didn't just minister to them, he was them. He gave away the best of everything he had right down to his heavenly inheritance for people who treated him like crap. He gave ALL he had to give. Not the leftovers. Not the extras. How many of us really want to live like that? My soul cries for it and fear racks me at the thought of actually doing it. And this folks, is my conflict. With my career I will have the means to live a life of luxury and the option to save those in the poorest, most destitute of conditions....how now shall I live?

i love nursing school

I seriously doubt other nursing classes have as much fun as we do.

Strawberries, Amish, and my fun newfound friends

Well, I must say, I've managed to do pretty good at using my weekends to get out and about around here. It usually leaves me in trouble come Monday when I my books don't come out of my bag until Sunday night, but with how much time we're spending on these classes I feel like the little time I have away from my studies on the weekends is essential! And I certainly do make the most of it!
This weekend I took off to Lancaster County (that's "Lank-a-stir" with a nice philly accent) to see the Amish. I went with two friends from class, one from around here who played tour guide and another from New Hampshire. Both of us out of staters were beyond excited to share our road with buggies and see kids in their cute Amish garb hanging out in front of their homes. Even before we left our car the trip seemed worth it. The names of the towns are unreal. First you pass through Blue Ball, then through Intercourse, and finally you reach Paradise!!! WHAT?! Yes, we were throughly entertained. Especially when we discovered that Intercourse was hosting an OB/GYN conference. There are no words :) Though the Amish were amazing and the homemade pretzels and lemonade delish, quite possibly the highlight of the day was the strawberry eating contest. Much to our delight Intercourse was having their annual Berry Festival and to celebrate there was an open strawberry eating contest. The entrance fee was only two bucks to we decided to check it out. When we learned it was time and not quantity and that only 3 people were signed up, Meg (New Hampshire) and I decided to join and Julia volunteered to take the pictures. We strolled around for a bit, then came back to test our eating abilities. By then there were 7 contestants and we watched them cover the bottoms of plates with quartered strawberries. We were called up, took our seats, and they proceeded to completely cover the plates with whipped cream. Rules: Everything must be eaten and hands have to stay behind your back. Ok, so if you know me, I love getting things on my face when I'm eating, so the idea of being covered in whipped cream really appealed to me. Oh yeah, AND I WON!!! Meg came in a close second with only 4 strawberry quarters left. I ended up getting a $25 gift certificate to this little jams and jellies place, so we were all able to get some jams, apple butters, and salsas...yum! All in all it was a lot of fun and stinkin hilarious. W e decided we have to go back next year to defend the title...well Meg says I'm going down next year, but I'll take her again. After cruisin the amish farmer's market and looking around a bit more we came back home and I went straight to my friend Mel's house to leave again for another adventure. She invited me to spend Father's Day with her and her fam, so I got to eat good food, play with kids, and see yet another part of this beautiful state. Yeah, it's hot and humid, but it's amazingly green, and people sit out on their porches and play checkers and drink lemonade. I'm charmed. So here's some pics from the weekend so you can feel like you're being won over by this state and it's people with me.

Puzzle Pieces

As I begin to write this I am feeling a bit guilty since blogging is probably not the best use of my time, but alas, here I am anyway.
Are you ever overwhelmed with the way the many facets of your life seem to converge? I feel like my life is this series of puzzle pieces being laid down before my eyes. When they are sitting there alone and separate I am almost always confused and curious about the whys of it all...huh, I guess "puzzled" would be the appropriate word. Eventually though, the seemingly separate pieces begin to interlock and the reasons for the people, places, experiences, hello's and goodbye's in my life begin to make sense. Today I was hit with some of the strongest situational irony I've experienced in a long time and I felt like I was living some sort of movie. I found myself laughing at the incredible and endlessly amusing ways God works. I don't really think much of what I'm writing makes sense since I'm leaving out all specifics and speaking in vague generalizations. I'll probably explain it more clearly in the future, but for now there's a lot I have to work out in my head. Suffice to say, God has a plan and it is evident in every experience of my life. To Him be the glory.