The air is so thick here I feel like I could chew it. It's a new thing for my these hot, humid off-and-on thunderstormy days. I look outside and with the rain coming down and thunder splitting the sky it seems as if I should be curled up under a blanket, but the temperature suggests otherwise. Thankfully I live in a house with A/C and a great fan, so I'm staying quite comfortable despite Mother Nature's efforts. And if I don't leave the house, I can convince myself that it really is one of those cozy rainy days to stay inside. Today was the first day off I've had where I stayed in rather than sight-seeing or doing something super fun with friends in a month! And a beautiful day off it was. We finished another class yesterday and I am now officially a junior. And I thought my first round as a freshman and sophomore flew! But anyway, today was great because there wasn't even the concern of class looming over my head. Here are the thoughts that filled it instead...
Spending the day by myself is something that I love, and need to do every once in awhile. This comes a a surprise for some, because I thrive being around people. But I find that when I spend time alone I can ask God the questions instead of people and actually give him time to answer. And lately, I feel like I'm looking for lots of answers. More now than ever before in my life I'm feeling conflict in the desires I have for my life. Before, my goals and dreams for my life, the things I felt called toward all seemed to fit together, but lately I find myself imagining two lives for myself and I'm not quite sure which route I'm meant to take. I'd like to say that in time God will make it clear, but I sometimes wonder if he already has and it's really just my own selfish desires that keep me from fully letting go of "the American dream" and adopting a life that seems so much more in line with really living out what I believe. Do you ever start to feel like you know too much to continue living the way you always have? Like, how can I live the extravagant American lifestyle (believe me, all of us who consider ourselves middle class or above here in the US live extravagantly) when I know what that kids are dying everyday as a result of poverty, war, lack of adequate medical access, etc. I mean, 30,000 kids die everyday from starvation, I'm not naive enough to think that I could singlehandedly bring about the end to any of this, but I do wonder how I could possibly choose a life of comfort when I know my profession will give me the opportunity to love these kids in an amazing way. I've been reading this book lately called, "Irresistable Revolution," by Shane Claiborne, which has caused me to really re-evaluate a lot of things about my life and my future plans. It's not a hard book to read in a literal sense. Shane is totally conversational and straightforward, but it challenges me so much and really, in many ways makes me uncomfortable, and I find that I can only handle so much of it before I have to put it down. Now Shane calls himself and "everyday radical" and I find part of me really wanting to write him off as just that because it would just make the whole thing so much easier. While it's true that there are some things about what he says that I don't neccessarily agree with, there is a lot that he seems to hit right on in a way that rocks my world to the very foundation. And the phrase that continues to rebound through my head is, "how now shall we live?" Or more accurately, how now shall I live? Why is it so many people see Christians as judgemental and hypocritical instead of those who live to serve and show love? More and more I'm realizing, while the question is sad, the answer is obvious. Actions speak louder than words. We say we want to live like Jesus, but very few of us actually do. And I don't mean very few of actually do live like Jesus, I mean very few of us truly even want to. Jesus lived among the poor. He didn't just minister to them, he was them. He gave away the best of everything he had right down to his heavenly inheritance for people who treated him like crap. He gave ALL he had to give. Not the leftovers. Not the extras. How many of us really want to live like that? My soul cries for it and fear racks me at the thought of actually doing it. And this folks, is my conflict. With my career I will have the means to live a life of luxury and the option to save those in the poorest, most destitute of conditions....how now shall I live?
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2 comments:
Ummmmm.... sowhen are you going to meet shane for coffee and tell him that his future wife is waiting for him in Chile?? No, but really Kallie I think your blog is really touching and exhorting. To truly look at our lives and see if we are living in a manner that reflects our beliefs, not just the cultural version of our beliefs. I love you!
I am glad you are alive and thinking about all this, but remember it is more than two choices, there are many steps between luxury and poverty where you can be confortable enough to miantain the energy to help others, I think it more than just giving away the excess. The world has been a better place since you arrived!Keep loving Kallie, you are so incredibly good at it!!!!
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