The most difficult easy answer

The air is so thick here I feel like I could chew it. It's a new thing for my these hot, humid off-and-on thunderstormy days. I look outside and with the rain coming down and thunder splitting the sky it seems as if I should be curled up under a blanket, but the temperature suggests otherwise. Thankfully I live in a house with A/C and a great fan, so I'm staying quite comfortable despite Mother Nature's efforts. And if I don't leave the house, I can convince myself that it really is one of those cozy rainy days to stay inside. Today was the first day off I've had where I stayed in rather than sight-seeing or doing something super fun with friends in a month! And a beautiful day off it was. We finished another class yesterday and I am now officially a junior. And I thought my first round as a freshman and sophomore flew! But anyway, today was great because there wasn't even the concern of class looming over my head. Here are the thoughts that filled it instead...

Spending the day by myself is something that I love, and need to do every once in awhile. This comes a a surprise for some, because I thrive being around people. But I find that when I spend time alone I can ask God the questions instead of people and actually give him time to answer. And lately, I feel like I'm looking for lots of answers. More now than ever before in my life I'm feeling conflict in the desires I have for my life. Before, my goals and dreams for my life, the things I felt called toward all seemed to fit together, but lately I find myself imagining two lives for myself and I'm not quite sure which route I'm meant to take. I'd like to say that in time God will make it clear, but I sometimes wonder if he already has and it's really just my own selfish desires that keep me from fully letting go of "the American dream" and adopting a life that seems so much more in line with really living out what I believe. Do you ever start to feel like you know too much to continue living the way you always have? Like, how can I live the extravagant American lifestyle (believe me, all of us who consider ourselves middle class or above here in the US live extravagantly) when I know what that kids are dying everyday as a result of poverty, war, lack of adequate medical access, etc. I mean, 30,000 kids die everyday from starvation, I'm not naive enough to think that I could singlehandedly bring about the end to any of this, but I do wonder how I could possibly choose a life of comfort when I know my profession will give me the opportunity to love these kids in an amazing way. I've been reading this book lately called, "Irresistable Revolution," by Shane Claiborne, which has caused me to really re-evaluate a lot of things about my life and my future plans. It's not a hard book to read in a literal sense. Shane is totally conversational and straightforward, but it challenges me so much and really, in many ways makes me uncomfortable, and I find that I can only handle so much of it before I have to put it down. Now Shane calls himself and "everyday radical" and I find part of me really wanting to write him off as just that because it would just make the whole thing so much easier. While it's true that there are some things about what he says that I don't neccessarily agree with, there is a lot that he seems to hit right on in a way that rocks my world to the very foundation. And the phrase that continues to rebound through my head is, "how now shall we live?" Or more accurately, how now shall I live? Why is it so many people see Christians as judgemental and hypocritical instead of those who live to serve and show love? More and more I'm realizing, while the question is sad, the answer is obvious. Actions speak louder than words. We say we want to live like Jesus, but very few of us actually do. And I don't mean very few of actually do live like Jesus, I mean very few of us truly even want to. Jesus lived among the poor. He didn't just minister to them, he was them. He gave away the best of everything he had right down to his heavenly inheritance for people who treated him like crap. He gave ALL he had to give. Not the leftovers. Not the extras. How many of us really want to live like that? My soul cries for it and fear racks me at the thought of actually doing it. And this folks, is my conflict. With my career I will have the means to live a life of luxury and the option to save those in the poorest, most destitute of conditions....how now shall I live?

i love nursing school

I seriously doubt other nursing classes have as much fun as we do.

Strawberries, Amish, and my fun newfound friends

Well, I must say, I've managed to do pretty good at using my weekends to get out and about around here. It usually leaves me in trouble come Monday when I my books don't come out of my bag until Sunday night, but with how much time we're spending on these classes I feel like the little time I have away from my studies on the weekends is essential! And I certainly do make the most of it!
This weekend I took off to Lancaster County (that's "Lank-a-stir" with a nice philly accent) to see the Amish. I went with two friends from class, one from around here who played tour guide and another from New Hampshire. Both of us out of staters were beyond excited to share our road with buggies and see kids in their cute Amish garb hanging out in front of their homes. Even before we left our car the trip seemed worth it. The names of the towns are unreal. First you pass through Blue Ball, then through Intercourse, and finally you reach Paradise!!! WHAT?! Yes, we were throughly entertained. Especially when we discovered that Intercourse was hosting an OB/GYN conference. There are no words :) Though the Amish were amazing and the homemade pretzels and lemonade delish, quite possibly the highlight of the day was the strawberry eating contest. Much to our delight Intercourse was having their annual Berry Festival and to celebrate there was an open strawberry eating contest. The entrance fee was only two bucks to we decided to check it out. When we learned it was time and not quantity and that only 3 people were signed up, Meg (New Hampshire) and I decided to join and Julia volunteered to take the pictures. We strolled around for a bit, then came back to test our eating abilities. By then there were 7 contestants and we watched them cover the bottoms of plates with quartered strawberries. We were called up, took our seats, and they proceeded to completely cover the plates with whipped cream. Rules: Everything must be eaten and hands have to stay behind your back. Ok, so if you know me, I love getting things on my face when I'm eating, so the idea of being covered in whipped cream really appealed to me. Oh yeah, AND I WON!!! Meg came in a close second with only 4 strawberry quarters left. I ended up getting a $25 gift certificate to this little jams and jellies place, so we were all able to get some jams, apple butters, and salsas...yum! All in all it was a lot of fun and stinkin hilarious. W e decided we have to go back next year to defend the title...well Meg says I'm going down next year, but I'll take her again. After cruisin the amish farmer's market and looking around a bit more we came back home and I went straight to my friend Mel's house to leave again for another adventure. She invited me to spend Father's Day with her and her fam, so I got to eat good food, play with kids, and see yet another part of this beautiful state. Yeah, it's hot and humid, but it's amazingly green, and people sit out on their porches and play checkers and drink lemonade. I'm charmed. So here's some pics from the weekend so you can feel like you're being won over by this state and it's people with me.

Puzzle Pieces

As I begin to write this I am feeling a bit guilty since blogging is probably not the best use of my time, but alas, here I am anyway.
Are you ever overwhelmed with the way the many facets of your life seem to converge? I feel like my life is this series of puzzle pieces being laid down before my eyes. When they are sitting there alone and separate I am almost always confused and curious about the whys of it all...huh, I guess "puzzled" would be the appropriate word. Eventually though, the seemingly separate pieces begin to interlock and the reasons for the people, places, experiences, hello's and goodbye's in my life begin to make sense. Today I was hit with some of the strongest situational irony I've experienced in a long time and I felt like I was living some sort of movie. I found myself laughing at the incredible and endlessly amusing ways God works. I don't really think much of what I'm writing makes sense since I'm leaving out all specifics and speaking in vague generalizations. I'll probably explain it more clearly in the future, but for now there's a lot I have to work out in my head. Suffice to say, God has a plan and it is evident in every experience of my life. To Him be the glory.

NYC!

I still am blown away by how I can travel through multiple states in less than 2 hours. My roommate and I cruised up to New York for the weekend. Not a big deal for the people on this coast, but super fun for us Cali kids since NYC is usually quite a trek. We drove up to Princeton, NJ, then took the train into the city. Our goals for the weekend: to see Lady Liberty, Ground Zero, and have as much fun possible while spending the least amount possible. And we did a pretty decent job. We walked A TON and managed to cram in a mess o' stuff. I really shouldn't spend too much time on teh details since I'm drowning in hw, but I'll post some pics. Highlights include FREE Staten Island Ferry and seeing the Statue of Liberty, Ground Zero, the building falling down on us, comedy clubs, empanadas, cheesecake, Ellen's, waiting in line for the lottery to get Wicked tickets and not winning, massive Puerto Rican day crowds, walking the entire length of Manhattan, trying to crawl inside the 9, cruising Central Park, and being reminded that I am so not a metropolitan city girl. Happy to visit and happy to come back to my quiet apartment in the suburbs.

Random fact

Villanova still has an anti-brothel law in effect, which prohibits more than 3 single women from living together in the same house. So basically, college girls get the shaft since they can't have a house with more than 3 girls and Villanova rent is $$. Not only does this weird law exist, it's actually enforced and girls get evicted when their rich, uptight neighbors want to get college students out of the town. Crazy.

Relentless Thoughts

Sometimes I'm really bummed that I have to call myself a Christian. It's not that I'm bummed to BE a Christian, quite the contrary, but all the negative associations that go along with that word break my heart. It kills me that the adjectives that many associate with Christian are judgemental, ethnocentric, egotistical, and condemning. Man, have we screwed things up. Whatever happened to living lives of unending, relentless compassion, love and grace? I know that there are Christians living out that life, but it seems the majority of us appear as judgemental hypocrites to the rest of the world, especially if you claim to be a *gasp* evangelical or fundamentalist Christian, which I do. Last night I had a discussion with my roommate about how I feel called to live and it set my mind turning on how often I fall short of what it is I claim is my goal. I want to live in the image of Christ. It seems so simple and straightforward, but if I'm going to be fully and completely honest, to REALLY live like Christ scares me. I can handle it to a point, to love my neighbor, to serve others with my gifts, talents, and blessings, that's within reason, but once we start getting into the big sacrifices, well I'm freaked out. Can I really give up all this world has to offer? Now, I believe that we are called to be a part of this world, so I'm not suggesting thatI go move into some convent somewhere and convert to a monastic lifestyle. But at the same time, I wonder how much, in good conscience, I can live a life of luxury. When I was in South America I actually found myself envious of the poor there because there weren't so many obstacles between them and God. They couldn't afford the worldly distractions we pad our lives with. And so often lately I find myself questioning a lot of things about our society... so I turn to Scripture...and it only gets worse. I find I am unable to even argue for any sort of materialism. We can try and rationalize that we give to the poor, that God wants us to be happy, yadda, yadda, but at the end of the day I just keep thinking that Jesus didn't go out and work in a soup kitchen for a bit, then go back to a nice cozy place to sleep at night. Should we all be taking a vow of poverty? I don't know, but a life of excess just doesn't seem to fit. I'm pretty confident that Jesus wouldn't have driven an Audi, worked 80 hours a week to climb the corporate ladder, or spend money on exotic vacations purely for self-pleasure...the guy gave everything he had away, down to his very life and birthright for those who despised him...he probably wouldn't even save for his retirement. So I'm not looking to tell anyone how to live here, these are just the thoughts that seem to persist in my mind as of late. And they are thoughts that both excite and scare me. To what extreme do we go? How do live for God and love this world as completely as he did? It's also got me thinking a lot about war, and my ideas on that might be changing. Guess I'll save that for another blog. Feel free to tell me what you guys think here and if you've been chewing on any of these ideas, let me know and maybe we can chat.

Getting the full experience

One of the things I love about moving to a new place is just the novelty of everything. It's amazing how much more you do when you feel like a tourist than when you've lived in a place for what seems like forever. Things that are new and exciting just have so much more appeal than those which seem commonplace. The history of this area blows my mind. For those who've grown up here, it's standard, but coming from Cali, where the only historic place anywhere closeby is an old mill, I kinda dig it. It's funny, today felt like a day that best fit the sterotypes I had about the EC before I got here. I went to church at a new place this morning and everyone was in suits and skirts and much more formal than I'm used to. I feel like I have to preface this by saying the church I've been going to so far is not at all like that and reminds me a ton of the one I went toward the end of my time at Cal Poly. And I'm not opposed to traditional-style churches it just felt so "East Coast-y," without that laid back Cali feel. After church I defintiely went the wrong direction and this got to drive the total expanse of Philadelphia before heading back home. Grabbed some lunch with the roommate, then we headed out to Valley Forge for a bike ride. Yeah, you can do that here. Go to amazing historical sites that are just down the road and ride your bike around. We had a great ride and I even got a cute guy to put some air in my tires since I forgot to bring my bike pump out here :) It was great because it seemed like there were hotties everywhere we went today. Niiice. After the park we stopped by Rita's for some water ice, more accurately pronounced "whatur ice" by these Philadelphians. They were shocked here to figure out I'd never had it, but it's basically an italian ice/fruit freeze kinda thing...pretty yummy and great after a bike ride. My roommate then gave me the "behind the scenes" tour of Villanova, complete with crypts, ghost stories, rooftops, and wonderful secret spots. We finished the day off with a nice dinner and some chillin at home. All in all a wonderful Sunday. I got to experience the sights, tastes, and general feeling of Pennsylvania, minus the nasty humidity, which seems to have retreated at least for a few days (THANK GOD!!). So what should my next adventure be? Well, NYC is on the slate for next weekend...

Love, Pain, and Healing

Today I had my midterm and a lab practical for a class I started on Tuesday. Afterward a friend and I decided to go see a movie to decompress and allow ourselves to just veg and just not think for a bit. Well, turned out no movies were playing at 11am on a Friday, so we went to grab some lunch, then came back to the theater afterward. We saw the new movie "The Breakup" with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn and got quite a different movie than we were expecting. If you're looking for a lighthearted romantic comedy, look elsewhere. It told the story of a breakup as they often occur, where we get mean, do things to try to ilicit some desired reaction and end up with something completely different than what we were hoping for, or I guess what we thought we were hoping for. It was honestly, one of those movies that was kinda painful to watch. Well, at least I think it is if you've ever been in love. The teenage girls in front of me just thought it was "cute."
But anyway, it got me thinking is there anything out there that hurts more than losing love? Maybe living a life that is totally devoid of love? I don't think so because if you are never loved, it would probably be less painful since you are not living in full realization of what you don't have. That's what makes it so hard when someone leaves...you know what you're missing, what you have lost. And it doesn't matter what way they leave, where they go, or how it happens, it wrenches us. I broke up with my ex almost a year ago, or more accurately, he fell out of love with me. It's funny how even when things got too painful the way they were to continue to be together, I didn't want to let go because I replayed the wonderful parts in my head. But the fact of the matter was, I had already lost him and being with him and not with him, was exceedingly more painful that to just admit what we both already knew. The split conveniently happened at the same time I graduated from college, moved away from all of my friends, was jobless, and wondering what to do with my life. And I spend a period of time convincing myself that our break-up was only temporary. I honestly think it was the only way I could cope with it. But time passed and I allowed myself to take in what had really happened. I let myself realize that things would never be the same and it really was over. And I let myself start to heal. I can't help but smile when I think about all the times I talked myself into believing I was over him. I sort of had this philosophy that I just began living my life like I was happy and didn't miss him one day it wouldn't be pretending anymore. And it did work that way. I was happy. Instead of mouring the loss of my old life, I began to thank God for my new one. The new friends, new place, new job I had been given made it easier for me to move on. But when I encountered little things that reminded me of him, it would send me spiraling. Like when you're little and you climb up the slide, (you know the kind that spiral up) and just when you start getting close to the top, some other kid slides down and takes you back to the bottom with him. And every time I got closer to the top, someone or something would remind me of him and I'd be back to wishing he would just love me again and I could have him back.
And then I went to South America. Where it seemed my life became a living reminder. I was in his world and there was nowhere I could hide from the memories. But the amazing thing was, somewhere amid the children that needed me and the love that comes from those who are committed to Christ's work, I found my healing. Everywhere I went I saw scenes, heard songs, ate food, and felt climate that brought him to mind. But it no longer hurt. I wasn't angry. I didn't question why. I could smile at the memories and I no longer wanted him back. In short, God gave me healing and I got over him. For real! It wasn't almost or temporary, or when I was happy and loved. I could be lonely and isolated, reminded of the good, or of the pain, and still be ok knowing we'll never be together.
My life is good. I don't know what or who my future will bring, but I know that I experienced real love once and because of it I can't settle for anything less. On the flip side, I can see how people let themselves close up. Why they choose promiscuity or isolation over intimacy. Losing love hurts. But healing can happen. And I know I will always choose love. Praise God for that.