School stress and exciting life-changing and somewhat exhausting thoughts

School is hard right now. I haven't slept much lately and it's pretty much all I do. The countdown to the end of summer session and the end of nursing school boot camp has begun. I've been in a bit of a funk lately, surely related to my constantly stressed out state and lack of sleep and I am fighting to regain the positive attitude that is my usual state. Today is much better than yesterday and yesterday that the day before so I thing we're on a good path as far as that's concerned.
But really, even though school is my life right now and sucking away all of my energy, my mind seems to have something of its own going on and my thoughts just never seem to stop. I can't even seem to turn it off when I lay down at night, which isn't something common for me. I am usually out at horizantal. It's like I'm on the edge of something great, some big realization about my life and my purpose but I'm not quite there yet. I'm fighting with all of these ethical debates lately in my head and trying not to get disgusted with America and the way we spend our time and our money. I feel like the needs of the downtrodden, here and around the world are overwhelming me and all I see is Americans throwing there money away on status symbols, toys, and other things of the material nature that they just don't need. I grew up the 'princess' in my family, but over the course of the last few months I've realized luxury is rarely worth the cost. I can't pinpoint exactly where it all began because it seems like all of the many things I've seen, experienced, read in the last few months are guiding me to a totally different kind of existence. I like being poor. I like being with other poor people. I have a friend who lives in a town outside of Philly that's considered pretty ghetto. Essentially, it's poorer, more dangerous, more diverse. But I go there and I feel like it's so much more real than the plastic smile feeling of new track housing developments. Poeple are suffering in both areas, from very different problems, but I love the genuity that having to rely on other people brings and I guess I feel like suburbia has isolated so many of us from our neighbors. I want community. And I'll take the good with the bad, the danger with the chance to really become involved in lives and make ugly places beautiful, the poverty with the richness that comes from knowing I'm really living like Jesus. I used to think that really becoming a good Christian, really figuring out how to live took constant study, but I don't really think that anymore. Of course I still love to read the great theologians because it's challenging, historical, motivating and a myriad of other things, but it's not the way I'm going to become a good Christian. That's back to being like Jesus. And his recipe is simple. Love God, love people, live like Me. Wicked hard to actually do, but no amount of reading books is going to be what makes me more like Him. I'm the one living my life. Yes, I need the Bible to hear God's words for me and know him more, and to let him work in me and through me, but living a life of love doesn't require that I know everything. I learned what love was the day I was born, more when I met God and even more each time I experience it. I'd say that's enough of a knowledge base to begin devoting my life to it.

Sterotypical moments

Do you ever feel like you fit a sterotype to the T? I'm sitting cross-legged on my couch, laptop in front of me with leftover chinese food one side of me and a beer on the other working on my care plan. I feel like a snapshot of a 20-something college student. I think student is one of my favorite roles. When I was in between schools last year, I used to catch myself checking the student box, or talking about school, then I'd be a little bummed when I realized I really wasn't a part of that culture anymore. It's good to be back. I'm not quite sure why I love it so much, since it usually means I sleep a lot less, constantly have papers and projects looming in the back of my mind, and have to fight to have any kind of life outside of school (let's face it, this time around there's not much of one). But I do. I like learning, I love discovering the connection between the stuff we go over in the classroom and the real world. I like the combination of stressful and laidback times. It's a good place. And of course come next summer I'll be dying to be done with it. Go figure.

Waiting on Love

I've never been one think of singleness as a curse. I don't think of it as a situation to be rectified, or as something to be pitied. There are a million and a half things I have the freedom to do because I have no strings attached. But tonight I'm wishing I had some strings. Tonight I find myself longing to be in love again and to have that deep level of intimacy with someone. To be there for someone and know that he'll be there for me. I'm the bold, independent one, always off seeking some new adventure, but more and more lately I find myself wishing I was sharing life and all it's adventures with someone. So I'm only 23 and it will probably happen all in good time, but tonight is just one of those nights. And I'm praying for you whoever you are....where ever you are...

And the good days that inevitably follow

As often is the case with the Bad Day, the one that followed was great :) Today was my first real day of clinical and I am reassured that I am in fact going into the right field. I woke up about every hour or two last night, totally paranoid I was going to oversleep, then arrived this morning with my stomach doing flip-flops and my mind running away, trying to review everything we've packed into the last 7 weeks. My instructor went in with me to do my initial assessment and from there on I realized it wasn't anything I hadn't done before and happily relaxed. I wasn't expected to know everything. There was a nurse and instructor to help me. And my lovely patient had mess of stuff wrong with her, but was a sweet and patient as could be! After doing all our assessments and treatments on healthy people, it was admittedly kind of fun to do them for someone who actually needed them. And I got to talk to her about her life, her family, how she felt and whether or not I funbled a bit or took a little longer wasn't such a big deal. So life is back to good. Kallie is back to happy. And the best part is I get to go back and do it again tomorrow :) Ok, time to look up a looong list o' meds.

Tough Days

So I had an emotional breakdown today; the first one since I got to Pennsylvania almost two months ago. It's been kind of a rough couple days. School suddenly got a lot harder, I realized how much I miss my friends and family, and I had to tell my roommate I'm not renewing my lease. Nothing too horrible, or overwhelming in itself, but when put together and mixed with a serious lack of sleep, it became so.
Yesterday was our first exam of our new 6 week long Med/Surg Nursing Class. We only started class last Wednesday and spent Thursday in the lab and Friday at clinical, so really we'd only had one day of in class lecture. Now I'd thus far been able to score A's with minimal effort so it was quite a shock to be faced with a REALLY hard test. And I bit it. 75%. Totally my fault because I wasn't prepared, and quite possibly it was a good thing since the exam only makes up 10% of my grade, but it gave me the motivation I needed to really get back to being a good student. So I was bummed about that, but took it in stride and remained as optimistic as possible. Then I came home from class and studied my butt off until my roommate got home. We then went for a walk. Not one I was very excited to go on. I decided I'm moving out on Oct 1 in order to be closer to campus. I'm only about 20 minutes away hypothetically, but with traffic it never ends up being less than 1/2 an hour and is usually longer. So when I got the offer from a friend to take the spot of her roommate who's moving out, I jumped. I'm stoked about it (I'll have a dishwasher, pool, and gym and be living with some really cool girls!), but was really bummed to have to tell my roommate. Anyone looking for a place, she's great! She took it well and was understanding, but ugh, I hate doing that kinda stuff.
Today we had a quiz on Cardiovascular stuff. I stayed up late memorizing my signs and symptoms, meds, parameters, contraindications, etc... and felt MUCH more prepared than for yesterday's exam. It turned out to be really tough, and while I did decent, I was putting so much pressure on myself to ace it that I kind of cracked when I realized my stupid mistakes. And the tears began to threaten. So yeah, it was a kind of rough day. The honeymoon stage of moving out here is over, and while I still like it and am so glad this is what I'm doing, life is a little bit tougher. In so many ways I really am like an exchange student here. The subtle differences are becoming more clear and my trip home reminded me just what I left behind. But God is here and after some good sleep I'm sure things will be right with the world again. In the grand scheme, these little things are insignificant. Tomorrow is clinical and we get a chance to try out some of these things we're learning! I love the bike ride to and from the hospital is already a part that I totally look forward to. I beautiful way to start the day! For now, it's study then sleepy time.

I love wikihow

So I am a diehard gmail convert and set up my personalized google homepage as a result. My favorite part of it is the wikihow section. They give me all sorts of wonderful information like how to make invisible ink, how to survive in prison, how to pee in the woods and today how to expand ivory soap. Here is a link so you can enjoy it as well. Yay
http://www.wikihow.com/Expand-Ivory-Soap

Freshening Up

I thought it was time for a little redecorating here on the Kallie blog. It's summer, I'm in pretty Pennsylvania and I have very little desire to study (ah, the truth comes out). It's actual a gorgeous day here for the first time in awhile not humid! Yay!! Tomorrow we start clinicals, which I'm slightly nervous and mostly excited about. It kinda blows my mind that I started this thing a month and a half ago and I've already progressed from freshman, to sophmore, to junior status. The time has flown and I'm realizing this program is going to be over before I know it.

A content heart and wild spirit

So today was my first day back at class after a 10 day break. I ended up deciding at the last minute to go home to CA for a few days when I found a ticket to Reno for just over 200 bucks. Rather than try and fit in dinners and visits with everyone (which is somewhat customary for me, but usually leaves me needing a vacation when I come back home), I spent most of the time relaxing and hanging out with my family. One of my old pastors used to say, "every family has weirdness," and my family is no exception, but they are beautiful and wonderful and I love them. It's always strange for me when I go home though because I think of my brothers and sisters I'm the one who's both closest to it and farthest from it. I talk to my parents more than my brothers and sister and have been back to visit more than any of the others. I love El Dorado County. A lot of the friends I grew up with couldn't wait to get out ne'er to return, but I think it's a great place. Now I definitely wasn't the only one who thought EDC was nice, there was totally a group that wanted to live there for the rest of their lives. I guess what gets me is the fact that I feel such a strong connection to that place and at the same time realize I'll probably never return except to visit my parents, and possibly Wally if he decides to move there so he can get free childcare ("why would I pay for day-care Kallie when I could have Mom watch them for free?") . It would be so easy to move back there, go work at Marshall, and raise a family in the area, but I know that will never happen and it gets me thinking about my life. I've never thought of myself as an adrenaline junkie or a masochist, but I think I like my life slightly difficult. And at times this drives me crazy. I look at the simple country life and it looks so easy, relaxing, calm, predictable....and I know I could probably only be happy with it if I was planning some big adventure elsewhere. So I begin to question my level of contentment with my life. The fact is, I really am I content, happy person. I'm not one who constantly seeks something else because I feel like what I have is not enough. I don't want stuff or money, I don't want power, I don't care about prestige. I'm not looking to climb any ladder or prove anything. But I need something to DO, to SEE, to EXPERIENCE something more. What does that mean? In my mind I think that the mixture of contentment and desire for something more is evidence of the fact that God can fill me, but this world is not my home. It also means that I'm bound to make my life a lot harder than it has to be and will constantly be putting myself in situations where I'm totally uncomfortable. Ah, the things I have to look forward to!