Love, Pain, and Healing

Today I had my midterm and a lab practical for a class I started on Tuesday. Afterward a friend and I decided to go see a movie to decompress and allow ourselves to just veg and just not think for a bit. Well, turned out no movies were playing at 11am on a Friday, so we went to grab some lunch, then came back to the theater afterward. We saw the new movie "The Breakup" with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn and got quite a different movie than we were expecting. If you're looking for a lighthearted romantic comedy, look elsewhere. It told the story of a breakup as they often occur, where we get mean, do things to try to ilicit some desired reaction and end up with something completely different than what we were hoping for, or I guess what we thought we were hoping for. It was honestly, one of those movies that was kinda painful to watch. Well, at least I think it is if you've ever been in love. The teenage girls in front of me just thought it was "cute."
But anyway, it got me thinking is there anything out there that hurts more than losing love? Maybe living a life that is totally devoid of love? I don't think so because if you are never loved, it would probably be less painful since you are not living in full realization of what you don't have. That's what makes it so hard when someone leaves...you know what you're missing, what you have lost. And it doesn't matter what way they leave, where they go, or how it happens, it wrenches us. I broke up with my ex almost a year ago, or more accurately, he fell out of love with me. It's funny how even when things got too painful the way they were to continue to be together, I didn't want to let go because I replayed the wonderful parts in my head. But the fact of the matter was, I had already lost him and being with him and not with him, was exceedingly more painful that to just admit what we both already knew. The split conveniently happened at the same time I graduated from college, moved away from all of my friends, was jobless, and wondering what to do with my life. And I spend a period of time convincing myself that our break-up was only temporary. I honestly think it was the only way I could cope with it. But time passed and I allowed myself to take in what had really happened. I let myself realize that things would never be the same and it really was over. And I let myself start to heal. I can't help but smile when I think about all the times I talked myself into believing I was over him. I sort of had this philosophy that I just began living my life like I was happy and didn't miss him one day it wouldn't be pretending anymore. And it did work that way. I was happy. Instead of mouring the loss of my old life, I began to thank God for my new one. The new friends, new place, new job I had been given made it easier for me to move on. But when I encountered little things that reminded me of him, it would send me spiraling. Like when you're little and you climb up the slide, (you know the kind that spiral up) and just when you start getting close to the top, some other kid slides down and takes you back to the bottom with him. And every time I got closer to the top, someone or something would remind me of him and I'd be back to wishing he would just love me again and I could have him back.
And then I went to South America. Where it seemed my life became a living reminder. I was in his world and there was nowhere I could hide from the memories. But the amazing thing was, somewhere amid the children that needed me and the love that comes from those who are committed to Christ's work, I found my healing. Everywhere I went I saw scenes, heard songs, ate food, and felt climate that brought him to mind. But it no longer hurt. I wasn't angry. I didn't question why. I could smile at the memories and I no longer wanted him back. In short, God gave me healing and I got over him. For real! It wasn't almost or temporary, or when I was happy and loved. I could be lonely and isolated, reminded of the good, or of the pain, and still be ok knowing we'll never be together.
My life is good. I don't know what or who my future will bring, but I know that I experienced real love once and because of it I can't settle for anything less. On the flip side, I can see how people let themselves close up. Why they choose promiscuity or isolation over intimacy. Losing love hurts. But healing can happen. And I know I will always choose love. Praise God for that.