My brain is full

It seems like it's about time I throw a new post up here, but my brain is so packed with information about organ failure, transplants, AIDS, and neuro pathology that there isn't really any room for introspection about anything! And I'm pretty sure most of you aren't that interested in the necessary nursing interventions to take with a post kidney transplant patient:) I WILL say that despite the fact that I've spent the last couple days trying to cram as much into my head as possible and haven't slept a ton as a result, I can help but be in a fantastic mood because today was my last day EVER of Med/Surg Clinical! While I am super excited at the thought of becoming a nurse, God and tele floors have made it very clear that Med/Surg just isn't me. To take my uniform off knowing I won't be wearing it again for a month and a half only added to my joy. And when I do put in on, it will be to go work with the kiddies! Next semester brings Peds and OB. How exciting is that?! Answer: totally exciting...though probably not quite as exciting as the fact that in less than two weeks I'll be visiting my California loves!

The attraction of FREE

Why is it no matter how much money you make, no matter where you come from, FREE is so irresistible? I got back last night from a two day trip to Harrisburg for a student nurse convention. We left at, no, before the crack of dawn Thursday morning and made our to the lovely capital of PA. Through the course of the convention we talked about our future involvement in the medical field, heard motivational speakers, and addressed the formal business of resolutions and elections. But the part of the convention that really got everyone excited was talking to recruiters and collecting free stuff. We came home with bags of chapsticks, pens, hand sanitizers, blankets, alarm clocks, key chains, calculators, water bottles, etc. Now lately I've really been working on simplifying my life. I realize I'm much happier without quite so much STUFF. But this weekend I failed miserably. I accumulated. And while I'm pretty stoked to have a new stock of pens and think the keychain hand sanitizers and chapsticks are pretty cool, I definitely came home stuff I'll probably never use and surely don't need simply because I didn't have to pay for it. Shall I show you my loot? Kind of ridiculous huh? In addition to my collecting, it was nice to talk to recruiters and hospital reps. Admittedly it was a bit overwhelming since a simple smile had them trying to sell me on why I should come work for their hospital. How insane to go from graduating with no clue what job my degree even worked for to having employers selling themselves to me. Still, it's a role reversal I'll gladly take.

The Right to Die

We are blessed in a country that has some really superb medical care. Our ability to save lives is quite astounding. But I wonder lately if we have forgotten that along with a right to live comes a right to die. When does our ability to "save lives" become something more harmful than helpful? Between my clinical rotations in the ICU and my work at a rehab hospital, I've been thinking a lot about dignity in life and death as of late. Today I took care of a patient in the ICU who had her wishes to be allowed to die denied. She had DNR (do not resuscitate) orders on her chart, but when it came time to make the call whether or not to intubate her, her wished were overruled by her family. And it only takes a few minutes in that room to feel your heart break for her. Because of the tubes in her mouth and nose leading to her stomach and lungs it is impossible to talk to her, but one look in her face and you know what she wants. She is totally with it, oriented, and still she has no say in what is happening to her. Tubes, wires, and fluids are entering and exiting her body from all sides, a ventilator is breathing for her and modern medicine looks anything but heroic to me. As I walked up to the side of her bed, she tapped her hand on the rail and I reach my own down to cover hers. She gripped it tightly, as if holding on for dear life, silently screaming for help. Her expression was pained as she shook her head. And I can't help but wonder how things like this happen. The whole point of advanced directives are that people can determine what kind of heroics they do and don't want and can make the decision to die naturally. But fears of lawsuits, and family members who can't let go keep medical providers from truly keeping the Hippocratic oath to "do no harm."
I'm learning that it is often more heroic to let someone go than to try and save them. When life has lost it's quality and there is no longer any goodness and dignity why do we continue to prolong the inevitable? And when does medicine move from using the gifts God has given us to playing God? However did man gain the ability to not just to decide when to take live, but also when to give it? I've always known, or at least for some time now that I wouldn't want to be kept alive when my quality of life has deteriorated to the point where everything that makes me ME has gone away.
Yet as much as these circumstances bother me, I also feel I must recognize that saving or ending lives is not nearly as cut and dry as I once thought. And it brings me to questions like, "How do we quantify life?", "What is the greatest good we can do?", "What would I be willing to put upon my family and what would I undertake if it was one of them?", "Is there a reason to be alive if one can no longer LIVE life?"
I don't have the answers. I am finding that my views of death are changing though. It is always sad, especially for those left behind, but I recognize that it is a natural event, a necessary part of life...and that for many the right choice.