Grace and Strength

And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Lately I'm finding a lot of peace in just how screwed up I am. I spend so much of my life trying to be my own Savior; trying to prove my righteousness to man, carrying the weight of all of my failings on my shoulders. I think I'm in charge of making my life good and if I don't make things happen, no one will. I let myself get sucked into the lie that God's plan for me might not be enough. And in it I underestimate my sin and in doing so give God credit for very little. But lately, I've really began to see anew and maybe even on a whole new level how incredibly huge my sin really is and with that have been able to recognize how much bigger than that even is God's grace. I am preaching the Gospel to myself again and am standing in awe of my King. I am broken. And it makes my heart burst with joy. His strength has come in my weakness and in admitting I'm in pieces, not at all together the love I feel is overflowing. Funny that it's such an epiphany to remember I'm not the center of the universe :)
So what's all this coming from? I just got back from liberti's in-covenant retreat this past weekend. I don't think I've really blogged about liberti, which is somewhat shocking considering the incredible blessing it has been in my life during my time here in Pennsylvania. I originally attended because it was close to where I was picking up the bed I found on craigslist for $50 (probably the most comfortable $50 purchase ever, thank you couple moving to Arizona). It's in the city, so a big part of me wanted to not want to go there. But I don't think I've ever felt so drawn to be part of a community. The heart of the church seems to match the desires my own heart seeks to live out Gods love and the pull to be a part of what they are doing is enough to make me want to stay in Philadelphia. So the retreat this past weekend was for people looking to find out more about the church to to determine if they are going to join....yes, much cooler than the traditional church membership classes. About 30 of us went up to the Poconos where we not only learned about liberti, but about each other, attempting to share ourselves in real ways. My pastor Geoff urged us to share our "spiritual journeys" and what brought us where we are today rather than just sharing what we do and "the lies we like to tell about ourselves." I don't think of myself as a liar very often. Truth be told I'm pretty crappy at lying. But I was made aware of how often I only present parts of my story, my life, the feelings behind my circumstances in a way that makes me look good...or at least better than I really am. I'll give the parts of me that I think are easy to deal with and hold back the rest. I feel like I'm having to retrain myself to offer people the broken me. The one so in need of grace. And at times it strikes fear into my heart. But the sense of liberation from the feeling that somehow I'm going to be found out, the loving grace that is shown, and the realization that my brothers and sisters are just as broken as me, well, it's showing me how very worth it it is. It's late and I have an exam tomorrow, and I'm not even sure if this is making sense anymore so I think that means it's time for sleep. Goodnight.